The Wiccan Christian

Hope, Healing and Happiness in Trauma Recovery

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Welcome to The Wiccan Christian. I’m sure many people wonder, “What exactly does that mean?” The truth is, I’m not sure there’s an official definition. If there is, I suppose that’s what I am. Hi, my name is Cindy. I created this blog to be something like a diary—a place to share my thoughts, favorite quotes, Bible verses, spiritual reflections, and the little things I’ve learned along the way. Some of these ideas are my own. Others have come from people whose words stayed with me long after I heard them. Together, they’ve helped shape the person I am today. I won’t promise that this blog will be perfectly organized because, quite honestly, I’m not an organized person. What I can promise is honesty. My hope is that by sharing my experiences, someone else might feel understood. Maybe you’ll see a piece of your own story in mine. I believe that sharing our stories takes away fear, replaces judgment with understanding, and reminds us that none of us are truly alone. I’ve lived through some incredibly beautiful moments, and I’ve also experienced some of life’s deepest wounds. Those experiences have left scars that may never completely disappear, but they have also shaped my strength, my faith, and my compassion for others. I don’t define myself by what I’ve been through. I define myself by the fact that I’m still here, still growing, still learning, and still believing there is hope. I’m a survivor. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you’ll stay awhile, and I hope something you read here brings you comfort, encouragement, or simply reminds you that someone else understands. Welcome.
  • In the morning

    In the morning

    When do you feel most productive?

    I love morning hours, especially in the summer time when it starts getting light at 4am.

    I used to sit outside with my coffee and cigarettes and listen to the birds wake up and watch the sunrise.

    Now, I vape nicotine instead with my coffee. It doesn’t feel the same, but I’m not going back to cigarettes. It’s been since August of 2023. And I know vaping is no better than, but it’s the best I can do at this time that is not offensive.

    Istockphoto.com

    I learned something interesting about myself this past week. My relapse made me very sick. So sick I quit the alcohol and Maryjane/vapes. I ended up sick for a week. So sick there were moments I was afraid I was going to die in my sleep.

    This lasted a week. I kept thinking it was from the meth. The meth had poisoned me. I was having panic attacks and anxiety about this.

    Anyway, Monday I was finally well enough to go into the doctor and get some lab work done.

    Long story short, I leaned from my lab results that I was going through Alcohol withdrawals, according to Chat GPT (I had to ask her what all the codes meant).

    I never would have guessed that 2-3 glasses of wine before bed would cause that.

    Until I really thought about it. I was using wine as a way to get sleep. As a medication.

    So, I haven’t drank in over a week. I’d have to look back. But I don’t want to. I just want to forage ahead. Looking back is discouraging. Looking forward is adventurous.

    I called my doctor and asked her if she could give me something for the cravings. I won’t lie, I think about it when I get home from work, on my own time. It was the only way I knew how to just let sh*t go.

    My anxiety is pretty crippling. That’s the only way I know how to talk to people. At least used to. Prior to 2023 I had probably 10 years off alcohol. Maybe more. I started drinking after the Maryjane vapes quit working for me. Until I had a glass or two (2) of wine.

    I’m still on the fence about the Maryjane. I don’t see anything wrong with smoking some flower once in awhile.

    But I know what they’d say in NA. I’ve been to several online. I found this very extensive list of Online NA meetings, any hour of any day. I’ve been trying to go to two (2) a day and it’s been kind of fun. I can’t see who’s all in it, unless they talk. I never know how many there are for sure. And they’re from all over. I’m not a tech person, I just learned how to put a picture on zoom instead of looking at my ugly face.

    Wow, 😮 that sounded …..negative. I don’t know where that came from.

    Long story short, I’m again new in recovery. I honestly didn’t think that wine would cause alcohol withdrawals. Maybe I was drinking more than I thought 💭 . Whatever the case doesn’t matter. I know God saved my life once again from another possible downhill spiral, and I am grateful He spared me any more agony.

    Peace ☮️

  • Wiccan vs Christian

    Wiccan vs Christian

    I received a comment bashing me for calling my website “The Wiccan Christian”. Or even just calling myself a Wiccan Christian. I thought I had explained my choice of wording in my “about me” section. But let me explain again.

    First off, I don’t feel it’s necessary for anybody to agree or believe what I believe. I call myself a Wiccan Christian mainly because I believe God is in nature. God is everywhere. I like making alters for God, more like Old Testament style. Offering whatever it is I put on the alter. It’s my way of saying thank you. It’s my way of removing bad habits, saying goodbye to something, etc. I make alters for several reasons. I burn candles and incense. I could go on and on about things I do that are not Christian approved.

    I don’t pray to God’s or Goddesses. I pray to God, period, and it is because of Jesus’s sacrifice that I can do that.

    I believe in the Bible and Jesus’s teachings. I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins. And I feel this belief makes me right with God.

    I atone for my sins and try to do better as God points them out to me.

    You can call it whatever you want, it’s all the same terminology, just spoken in different languages.

    I was raised a Catholic. I left the catholic religion as I felt it was telling me I was doomed no matter what.

    I would call myself a straight Christian, which I have in the past. But I’m at a point in my life where I have found Christian’s to be hypocritical and judgmental. Because of that I’m embarrassed to put myself into that category.

    I believe in the Bible and what it says. Everything. And I try my best to live by the words in 1 Corinthians 13. It’s all about loving each other the right way.

    And honestly, if you don’t like the name of my blog, or my posts, just don’t read it. It’s that simple.

    I could go on and on about this stuff, but why? I am who I am. And if I am wrong God will reveal it to me.

    I have seen a lot of stuff in this world that others have not, or are still blind to. I’ve been on both sides of the fence of good and evil. I would call myself a Christian if I trusted Christianity. But like I said I see the hypocrisy and false pride. I just can’t call myself a Christian because it embarrasses me to be put in that category. That’s where I am today, and may God open my eyes if there is a need.

    Amen 🙏

  • Everything

    Everything

    What makes you nervous?

    I suffer from chronic anxiety, so everything makes me nervous. I’ve been trying to work through this in therapy and I do take medication for it. I’m also on disability because of it. That and bipolar disorder and complex PTSD and etc. I have numerous “labels”. I’m not very happy about most of them. I just don’t like being labeled period. Some of them I may agree with but others I don’t.

    I’m feeling much better today, physically and emotionally. I feel like God intervened in my life by turning that methamphetamine into poison, to remove cravings, so this relapse does not happen again. I stayed away from the stuff for six years with God’s intervention and he knew I needed another intervention to stop me from making another mess of my life.

    I am truly grateful today. I see God has blessed me. He has other plans for me that does not involve chemicals.

    God is good ☮️

  • I Was Just Sitting Here Thinking

    I Was Just Sitting Here Thinking

    Thinking about all of the things in my life that I am grateful for, and that I often forget to let people know when I’m soon to be in a mental health crisis.

    Somebody has been praying for me, I feel, just the fact that I’m even alive.

    That second relapse that only lasted for a day or so really caused me a lot of problems. I thought for sure I was gonna die in my sleep. I was dizzy, light headed, almost fainting and I had terrible nausea.

    I talked to my doctor yesterday and was honest with her about my condition. She said it was probably withdrawal. I was positive I had been poisoned and it was causing me tremendous anxiety. I didn’t realize it was anxiety until I checked my blood pressure and pulse: 148/87 with a pulse of 44. That blood pressure may not seem too high to some people, but for me it is. My blood pressure is normally 100/67. My pulse was too low, but not for me. I typically have a low pulse. I asked chatGPT about my blood pressure and pulse and going through a series of questions with her she told me I need to go to the ER. I seriously thought that chemical I took was poison.

    Today is a better day. I now see this sickness as God’s intervention. Any cravings I may have had I no longer have an interest to do it again.

    I was regressing, and I didn’t know how to stop it, but to sleep it off. Then I’d feel better. But I’ve got work to worry about, so I need to suck up these withdrawal symptoms (I truly don’t feel it was withdrawal, but rather poisoned chemicals). I’m not willing to put myself through the fear of wondering what I’m actually putting in my body again. It has deterred me from doing it anymore.

    It’s that undercurrent of anxiety welling up. It’s showing up in my pulse and blood pressure. My nausea. My doctor gave me some different scripts today for fourteen days while I struggle through this.

    My problem is, I feel like I’ve been poisoned. Whatever it was I was given I smoked for a day or two before getting sick and throwing it away in the toilet🚽. I know how asshole users can be. I know he gave me bad stuff and kept the good stuff for himself. I don’t even know if it’s really worth talking about anymore.

    I know if you focus on the negative things nothing good comes out of it.

    Tarot is not real. Tarot is for mind reading. That’s all the cards do, is read your deep subconscious. if you need proof google (tarot cards and Carl Young). The internet is full of your answers. Carl Jung used them in his therapy sessions as a tool to read the patient’s sub conscious thoughts/feelings. That’s what I read somewhere and I believe it. When I was on meth that’s what I was doing, reading my own sub conscious thoughts.

    This post may make people feel uncomfortable. Don’t be. This is typical behavior from me, especially when I’m in mania or going into mania that has suddenly turned into depression.

    I know what it is. I’m not a person to talk brain chemicals. I may say something based on my own knowledge, but this is what I think is going on:

    A few weekends ago I spent the weekend at my girlfriend’s house. When I got there she was smoking methamphetamine with a couple other people. I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. So when they handed it to me I took a hit and it brought back all the things I liked about. It gave me more confidence. It helped me get things done. It took away the depression.

    I asked chat GPT “why do I lay in bed all the time like my dad did? And now my brother does too?”. She told me it was a coping mechanism you’ve used to keep yourself safe. I found that very enlightening, but it doesn’t make it any better.

    I’ve been working on this stuff my whole life; 56 years, and I still don’t have it right.

    I’m not so sure PE therapy is such a good thing. I mean, it brings up things that were buried. And though I understand the concept behind it, it just triggers me very easily. which isn’t good for the people around me. And not so good for my sobriety. Things are being brought up that I just want buried.

    I feel so good this evening. I did not drink. I’ve realized I’ve been drinking about 3 glasses of wine a day since my birthday of 2023. That’s three years. That’s $12 a day. I could just as well be back to cigarettes and enjoying myself in the mornings, sitting outside and listening to the birds wake up.

    This is my favorite time of year and I’m missing it. Because I have no energy to get out of bed.

    Ive gotta work tomorrow and I’m scared. It’s late and I’m afraid I’m going to oversleep.

    Oh, regarding being poisoned. I truly feel like this experience was an act of God. I feel he intervened before things got too carried away.

    Because the first time with my girlfriend was euphoric . I left the house craving it. So I got some to continue for a couple days.

    Well, then my other friend whom knew I relapsed asked me over the phone if I want to go in on some stuff with him for a good price. I said “sure”, and that’s what I mean by a case of the f it’s. I already relapsed, the opportunity is right in my face and I’m an addict. I told him I’d send him $60. He didn’t get to my house till 10pm. He gave me a bag and left. I probably smoked it for two days, then started getting sick. I was so sick. And angry at him. That’s what addicts do. Now I feel like I’ve been poisoned.

    Today is a new day. I went to an online meeting this morning and physically I feel much better.

    New clean date: April 21.

    I’m sorry if this post is all over the place, I started this post yesterday and finishing up today.

    Peace ☮️

  • It Hurts When You Feel Like You’ve Been Taken Advantage Of

    Istockphoto.com

    This is extremely hard for me to talk about. But I can’t ignore it. We all know I had a relapse the end of March/beginning of April. Well, maybe not all of us knew, but if anybody read my old blog they knew. Well, I about had a huge one AGAIN. Maybe it’s not called a relapse. You tell me after I tell you.

    It’s weird. It seems when I tell addicts I had a relapse they suddenly want to start coming around. Not with the truth, but with a lie. And me, being so gullible, think they really like me. NOT.

    I have this male friend. We’ve been friends since we were in high school. And yes, I will admit we’ve been sexual on several occasions. I’ve always kind of had a crush on him, but he has never wanted to settle down.

    I’ll try to get straight to the point here. Yesterday he texted me and said he had run out of gas after bringing his daughter home to her mother. He was about 50 miles from home. So I sent him $30 through PayPal. He said he was going to stop by, but he never showed up. It made me think 🤔.

    Well, it happened again this evening. He asked me if I wanted to go in on something with him. Being the addict I am I said “sure”, and again sent him $60 through PayPal. Again, he said he would stop by on his way home. Again, he was a no show.

    He sent me a text at 7pm telling me he was about a half hour away. It got to be 8:30 and he was still a no-show. I got angry again. I sent him a mean text then just blew it off. Addicts are never on time.

    At 10pm, as I was about to go to bed, there’s a knock on my door. What do you know, it was him. He gave me a little baggy of something, practically forced himself on me, and I rejected him, so he left.

    I give God the credit for watching over me, because whatever it was this friend gave me made me really really sick. I flushed the crap down the toilet and decided enough is enough. I just want my life back.

    I am a bit concerned about what that was though. My body feels dirty now, on the inside. And I’ve been having issues with practically fainting ever since. That’s how I know I won’t touch it again. Meth addicts are sneaky and slimy. Yes, that includes me when I was an addict. Now, I just want my life back.

    But I admit I was disappointed and hurt. Not about the crap, but about how he treated me. I am guessing he took my money and bought stuff for himself and gave me who-the-hell-knows-what. That is what upsets me. I feel like he gave me poison (not that the regular stuff is any better for you).

    I’ve decided I don’t want to associate with people who are currently using. I made that decision six (6) years ago. The crowd they run with are scary. I know, I’ve been around it in the past. I’ve done a full circle and blocked everybody I know that uses, including my best friend who enticed me back into it. The meth world is very scary. I don’t want to associate with people who do that.

    Now I just have to deal with my f*** up. I have an appointment with my med management doctor tomorrow and I suppose I’m going to have to tell her about my relapse(s). I don’t want to alarm her as I’m afraid she’ll take away one of my anxiety medications (it’s a benzo). They typically won’t prescribe benzo’s to recovering addicts. And when I think about it she may actually blame herself for prescribing it (they say one drug leads to another).

    With that being said, I’m going to try and find an online meeting tonight. I think I need to talk this out with people. It might help me feel better about myself, because right now I feel like a big disappointment to my family and non using friends. The first time I got over quite quickly. This second time I can’t, for some reason. I guess because I have no one else to blame but myself. I knew full well I was up to no good. And I do believe that God intervened on my behalf with that garbage that I got.

    For now, I’m sick. That makes it a good reminder.

    Peace out ☮️

  • YouTube Meditation Music

    YouTube Meditation Music

    How do you use social media?

    Plus lots of other reasons why I use YouTube. YouTube is my favorite platform. You can find anything on there.

    I used to be a big facebook fan, but not so much anymore. I’ve had an experience with bullying on there and don’t care to relive it. Of course, I contacted, or attempted to contact facebook to report it several times. But Facebook didn’t give a flying f***.

    I listen to meditation music on YouTube all day long. It relieves my anxiety to some extent.

  • Setting Boundaries

    Setting Boundaries

    Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

    I am realizing this man does not have my best interests at heart. Maybe he loves me, but he sure has an awful way of showing it. I’ve now just realized what he’s been doing to me. I have now just realized he is a narcissist. And possibly a sociopath.

    I didn’t figure it out on my own. It took friends and family to beat me over the head with it. But the biggest help was hearing it from my brother’s girlfriend. I’m not sure why her, but I think she’s had experience with abuse as well.

    What I don’t understand is why did I not see it. Was I in denial? Was I used to that kind of treatment? My friend pointed two things out to me:

    One, I had a female friend that was in love with me (maybe still is). I kept trying to maintain a simple friendship with her, but she always turned it around that “we were dating”. I’ve known her since I was sixteen (16) and she was fourteen (14). Trust me, I’ll never forget, because she always used to remind me. My friend pointed out the abuse she was putting me through for… thirty (30) years maybe 🤔. Maybe more (I’m terrible at math). Anyway, our friendship was always so tumultuous, especially the last ten (10) years. And personally, it’s my own fault for staying with her and her husband for three (3) months when I left my first husband. During that stay I slept with them in their bed. At that time I had a lot of mental health issues and was self medicating with alcohol. So I was always drunk there. I was also manic. I do have bipolar disorder and looking back, yeah I was manic. And when I’m manic I do risky behaviors. And I quit taking my medication because I think I’m cured.

    Needless to say, my horsing around with her/them caused a big problem. She wouldn’t let me go. She divorced her husband for me, thinking I would do the same. Then we would run off together and live happily ever after. I burst her bubble when I said that’s not going to happen.

    Until I did have to leave my second husband. I needed help and contacted her, after not speaking for two years (my husband didn’t like me hanging around her). Contacting her for help was the wrong thing to do, because the same problem started all over again. I had been dealing this problem ever since.

    I have finally cut all ties with her. It’s probably been three (3) months or more. I don’t miss her. Well, I miss our friendship. But then again, we never really had a friendship. In her eyes we had a relationship. Once it was pounded in my head by her, that she does not want to be friends, that was enough for me to walk away. You don’t have to tell me twice.

    My friend explained to me that she was just as mean, controlling and manipulative as this man was. They are two of the same people. That’s why they hate each other so much.

    When she said this to me, quite clearly, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes. And I could finally see the dysfunction in both of them. It did absolutely no good to confront either of them on their behavior, ever. They saw me as the problem, literally. They blamed my feelings on my bipolar disorder. So, I guess that’s what I believed

    Second will have to be continued another day. I think this post is long enough.

  • Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. And He is Everywhere.

    Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. And He is Everywhere.

    Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

    I know Christian’s balk at me because of my beliefs. They ask me, “How can you be both? That doesn’t even make sense.”

    Well my dears, first off, I think it may be in the book of Revelation where Jesus was called “The High Priest”, which is a Wiccan term.

    In the Bible it speaks of how people were able to tell the time or seasons by the stars, the sun and the moon.

    The three (3) wiseman followed a star to find Jesus as he was born. The three (3) wise men were astronomers.

    There are quite a few similarities between the Bible and Wiccan beliefs. The only thing I can really recall that is different and that is who you worship.

    I believe in God. I also believe in Jesus. I do believe that Jesus was the son of God. But we are all sins and daughters of God. I believe in the crucifixion. And I believe in the resurrection. God can do anything. And he puts people where they need to be, right spot and right time. Jesus died on the cross for us. He did. Whether that was his mission from God or his family. His upbringing.

    Everybody has a gift. It’s time we all started finding out what each one’s are and find a way to use it that is beneficial for all of us.

  • Every Day is a New Chance to Grow

    Every Day is a New Chance to Grow

    Istickphito.com

    I have had a lot going on this past week with my feelings. Today I cried. I cried so hard and loud. That what my mother said to me back when I was younger, was true. I ain’t nothing but a jezebel. I texted her a couple weeks ago, and asked her to break the spell. I think maybe I will send her another text. I just got the heartbreak of the … well a part of my life.

    For some dumb reason I can’t understand, I let this man have contact with me. And I don’t know why. Tonight I finally figured it out.

    The last time he was over to my house we ordered door dash. I said we can do that tonight. He made the oddest remarks to me. Where I could see his anger. He was angry at me and wasn’t being honest. But he would rather do what a narcissist does and tell me I’m imagining things. I’m over reacting. When I know in his heat he’s very angry and still feels betrayed.

    It started over door dash. He told me I shouldn’t meet door dash alone. I said “I’m not. You’re going to be here”. He tried telling me he wasn’t here when I ordered door dash last time. I said, “yes you were”. Then he tried telling me I was naked when I met door dash. I said, “I was not!”. Then he laughed and said “I was just kidding”. I could hear in the tone of his voice on both occasions he was telling me something that he didn’t want to outright say. He was F***ing with my head.

    I confronted him on it. Of course he didn’t mean anything by it. But it sure reminds me of a friend I used to have. Same controlling, manipulative behavior. No wonder why they hated each other. They were both running the same competition and they were both just as …. Narcissistic.

    Saying it out loud feels kind of different, unsafe. But it is true, now that my eyes are open. I would get the same smart answers from someone else as well, that would turn around and hurt me, then say, “No I didn’t”, or laugh me off, or saying, “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re over reacting”. You know, those smart words a narcissist would say.

    It also reminded me of the spell my mother put on me. When I was growing up my mother would call me a jezebel. I didn’t really know what it meant. But I figured it had to be bad. And that’s what I grew up with.

    I played the part pretty well I guess. I sure had enough dates. Never realizing that this whole time I was living up to my mom’s word. Her spell.

    I’m 56 years old now, and all I have are memories of pain and suffering. Let’s put an end to it, shall we?

    I have to really trust somebody to be in a relationship. I probably need at least a year to get to know them. That’s my boundary. Yeah, that’s a long time. But it takes me just as long at a new job.

  • I’m Not Sure If I Should Be Bringing This Up, But This Has More To Do With The Current Situation In Iran

    I’m Not Sure If I Should Be Bringing This Up, But This Has More To Do With The Current Situation In Iran

    I don’t understand why President Trump keeps stalling on putting an end to Iran, once and for all. I know a lot of Americans are not happy about the war, but I just watched a TickTock video that really alarmed me. I’m following her on there now, because what she says is the truth and reality over there. And it breaks my heart.

    Yeah, I know you can’t believe everything you see on social media, but it was definitely a real Iranian woman, telling everybody (that’s against the war) to just keep their noses out of it. I won’t say what she said word for word (one reason is I can’t verbatim), but she was telling people on TickTock to “shut the f up”. Nobody understands the terror over there. The Iranian citizens WANT this war. They PRAYED for this war, and ASKED for this war. And she is prepared to die for it. She spoke about their suffering and the fear they’ve been living in. The video really made me shudder.

    I think the reason Trump is procrastinating is because I feel he truly does not want people dying or getting hurt, both our military and the Iranian citizens.

    But that’s just how I feel. And I’m certainly not a political expert by any means. But I feel like Iran is just stalling Trump over and over in order to get more weaponry to continue to fight. Or something shady anyway.

    What the regime believes is just insane. I’m sure I don’t have to repeat it.

    But I don’t see this problem ever being resolved, unless there is a new regime. Or unless Iran is completely destroyed.

    If you are a believer in God and Jesus Christ please pray for the Iranian citizens, as well as our military and president Trump. This is a tough decision for him.