The Wiccan Christian

This is extremely hard for me to talk about. But I can’t ignore it. We all know I had a relapse the end of March/beginning of April. Well, maybe not all of us knew, but if anybody read my old blog they knew. Well, I about had a huge one AGAIN. Maybe it’s not called a relapse. You tell me after I tell you.

It’s weird. It seems when I tell addicts I had a relapse they suddenly want to start coming around. Not with the truth, but with a lie. And me, being so gullible, think they really like me. NOT.

I have this male friend. We’ve been friends since we were in high school. And yes, I will admit we’ve been sexual on several occasions. I’ve always kind of had a crush on him, but he has never wanted to settle down.

I’ll try to get straight to the point here. Yesterday he texted me and said he had run out of gas after bringing his daughter home to her mother. He was about 50 miles from home. So I sent him $30 through PayPal. He said he was going to stop by, but he never showed up. It made me think 🤔.

Well, it happened again this evening. He asked me if I wanted to go in on something with him. Being the addict I am I said “sure”, and again sent him $60 through PayPal. Again, he said he would stop by on his way home. Again, he was a no show.

He sent me a text at 7pm telling me he was about a half hour away. It got to be 8:30 and he was still a no-show. I got angry again. I sent him a mean text then just blew it off. Addicts are never on time.

At 10pm, as I was about to go to bed, there’s a knock on my door. What do you know, it was him. He gave me a little baggy of something, practically forced himself on me, and I rejected him, so he left.

I give God the credit for watching over me, because whatever it was this friend gave me made me really really sick. I flushed the crap down the toilet and decided enough is enough. I just want my life back.

I am a bit concerned about what that was though. My body feels dirty now, on the inside. And I’ve been having issues with practically fainting ever since. That’s how I know I won’t touch it again. Meth addicts are sneaky and slimy. Yes, that includes me when I was an addict. Now, I just want my life back.

But I admit I was disappointed and hurt. Not about the crap, but about how he treated me. I am guessing he took my money and bought stuff for himself and gave me who-the-hell-knows-what. That is what upsets me. I feel like he gave me poison (not that the regular stuff is any better for you).

I’ve decided I don’t want to associate with people who are currently using. I made that decision six (6) years ago. The crowd they run with are scary. I know, I’ve been around it in the past. I’ve done a full circle and blocked everybody I know that uses, including my best friend who enticed me back into it. The meth world is very scary. I don’t want to associate with people who do that.

Now I just have to deal with my f*** up. I have an appointment with my med management doctor tomorrow and I suppose I’m going to have to tell her about my relapse(s). I don’t want to alarm her as I’m afraid she’ll take away one of my anxiety medications (it’s a benzo). They typically won’t prescribe benzo’s to recovering addicts. And when I think about it she may actually blame herself for prescribing it (they say one drug leads to another).

With that being said, I’m going to try and find an online meeting tonight. I think I need to talk this out with people. It might help me feel better about myself, because right now I feel like a big disappointment to my family and non using friends. The first time I got over quite quickly. This second time I can’t, for some reason. I guess because I have no one else to blame but myself. I knew full well I was up to no good. And I do believe that God intervened on my behalf with that garbage that I got.

For now, I’m sick. That makes it a good reminder.

Peace out ☮️