The Wiccan Christian

I have had a lot going on this past week with my feelings. Today I cried. I cried so hard and loud. That what my mother said to me back when I was younger, was true. I ain’t nothing but a jezebel. I texted her a couple weeks ago, and asked her to break the spell. I think maybe I will send her another text. I just got the heartbreak of the … well a part of my life.

For some dumb reason I can’t understand, I let this man have contact with me. And I don’t know why. Tonight I finally figured it out.

The last time he was over to my house we ordered door dash. I said we can do that tonight. He made the oddest remarks to me. Where I could see his anger. He was angry at me and wasn’t being honest. But he would rather do what a narcissist does and tell me I’m imagining things. I’m over reacting. When I know in his heat he’s very angry and still feels betrayed.

It started over door dash. He told me I shouldn’t meet door dash alone. I said “I’m not. You’re going to be here”. He tried telling me he wasn’t here when I ordered door dash last time. I said, “yes you were”. Then he tried telling me I was naked when I met door dash. I said, “I was not!”. Then he laughed and said “I was just kidding”. I could hear in the tone of his voice on both occasions he was telling me something that he didn’t want to outright say. He was F***ing with my head.

I confronted him on it. Of course he didn’t mean anything by it. But it sure reminds me of a friend I used to have. Same controlling, manipulative behavior. No wonder why they hated each other. They were both running the same competition and they were both just as …. Narcissistic.

Saying it out loud feels kind of different, unsafe. But it is true, now that my eyes are open. I would get the same smart answers from someone else as well, that would turn around and hurt me, then say, “No I didn’t”, or laugh me off, or saying, “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re over reacting”. You know, those smart words a narcissist would say.

It also reminded me of the spell my mother put on me. When I was growing up my mother would call me a jezebel. I didn’t really know what it meant. But I figured it had to be bad. And that’s what I grew up with.

I played the part pretty well I guess. I sure had enough dates. Never realizing that this whole time I was living up to my mom’s word. Her spell.

I’m 56 years old now, and all I have are memories of pain and suffering. Let’s put an end to it, shall we?

I have to really trust somebody to be in a relationship. I probably need at least a year to get to know them. That’s my boundary. Yeah, that’s a long time. But it takes me just as long at a new job.