The Wiccan Christian

Thinking about all of the things in my life that I am grateful for, and that I often forget to let people know when I’m soon to be in a mental health crisis.

Somebody has been praying for me, I feel, just the fact that I’m even alive.

That second relapse that only lasted for a day or so really caused me a lot of problems. I thought for sure I was gonna die in my sleep. I was dizzy, light headed, almost fainting and I had terrible nausea.

I talked to my doctor yesterday and was honest with her about my condition. She said it was probably withdrawal. I was positive I had been poisoned and it was causing me tremendous anxiety. I didn’t realize it was anxiety until I checked my blood pressure and pulse: 148/87 with a pulse of 44. That blood pressure may not seem too high to some people, but for me it is. My blood pressure is normally 100/67. My pulse was too low, but not for me. I typically have a low pulse. I asked chatGPT about my blood pressure and pulse and going through a series of questions with her she told me I need to go to the ER. I seriously thought that chemical I took was poison.

Today is a better day. I now see this sickness as God’s intervention. Any cravings I may have had I no longer have an interest to do it again.

I was regressing, and I didn’t know how to stop it, but to sleep it off. Then I’d feel better. But I’ve got work to worry about, so I need to suck up these withdrawal symptoms (I truly don’t feel it was withdrawal, but rather poisoned chemicals). I’m not willing to put myself through the fear of wondering what I’m actually putting in my body again. It has deterred me from doing it anymore.

It’s that undercurrent of anxiety welling up. It’s showing up in my pulse and blood pressure. My nausea. My doctor gave me some different scripts today for fourteen days while I struggle through this.

My problem is, I feel like I’ve been poisoned. Whatever it was I was given I smoked for a day or two before getting sick and throwing it away in the toilet🚽. I know how asshole users can be. I know he gave me bad stuff and kept the good stuff for himself. I don’t even know if it’s really worth talking about anymore.

I know if you focus on the negative things nothing good comes out of it.

Tarot is not real. Tarot is for mind reading. That’s all the cards do, is read your deep subconscious. if you need proof google (tarot cards and Carl Young). The internet is full of your answers. Carl Jung used them in his therapy sessions as a tool to read the patient’s sub conscious thoughts/feelings. That’s what I read somewhere and I believe it. When I was on meth that’s what I was doing, reading my own sub conscious thoughts.

This post may make people feel uncomfortable. Don’t be. This is typical behavior from me, especially when I’m in mania or going into mania that has suddenly turned into depression.

I know what it is. I’m not a person to talk brain chemicals. I may say something based on my own knowledge, but this is what I think is going on:

A few weekends ago I spent the weekend at my girlfriend’s house. When I got there she was smoking methamphetamine with a couple other people. I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. So when they handed it to me I took a hit and it brought back all the things I liked about. It gave me more confidence. It helped me get things done. It took away the depression.

I asked chat GPT “why do I lay in bed all the time like my dad did? And now my brother does too?”. She told me it was a coping mechanism you’ve used to keep yourself safe. I found that very enlightening, but it doesn’t make it any better.

I’ve been working on this stuff my whole life; 56 years, and I still don’t have it right.

I’m not so sure PE therapy is such a good thing. I mean, it brings up things that were buried. And though I understand the concept behind it, it just triggers me very easily. which isn’t good for the people around me. And not so good for my sobriety. Things are being brought up that I just want buried.

I feel so good this evening. I did not drink. I’ve realized I’ve been drinking about 3 glasses of wine a day since my birthday of 2023. That’s three years. That’s $12 a day. I could just as well be back to cigarettes and enjoying myself in the mornings, sitting outside and listening to the birds wake up.

This is my favorite time of year and I’m missing it. Because I have no energy to get out of bed.

Ive gotta work tomorrow and I’m scared. It’s late and I’m afraid I’m going to oversleep.

Oh, regarding being poisoned. I truly feel like this experience was an act of God. I feel he intervened before things got too carried away.

Because the first time with my girlfriend was euphoric . I left the house craving it. So I got some to continue for a couple days.

Well, then my other friend whom knew I relapsed asked me over the phone if I want to go in on some stuff with him for a good price. I said “sure”, and that’s what I mean by a case of the f it’s. I already relapsed, the opportunity is right in my face and I’m an addict. I told him I’d send him $60. He didn’t get to my house till 10pm. He gave me a bag and left. I probably smoked it for two days, then started getting sick. I was so sick. And angry at him. That’s what addicts do. Now I feel like I’ve been poisoned.

Today is a new day. I went to an online meeting this morning and physically I feel much better.

New clean date: April 21.

I’m sorry if this post is all over the place, I started this post yesterday and finishing up today.

Peace ☮️