The Wiccan Christian

Hope, Healing and Happiness in Trauma Recovery

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Welcome to The Wiccan Christian. I’m sure many people wonder, “What exactly does that mean?” The truth is, I’m not sure there’s an official definition. If there is, I suppose that’s what I am. Hi, my name is Cindy. I created this blog to be something like a diary—a place to share my thoughts, favorite quotes, Bible verses, spiritual reflections, and the little things I’ve learned along the way. Some of these ideas are my own. Others have come from people whose words stayed with me long after I heard them. Together, they’ve helped shape the person I am today. I won’t promise that this blog will be perfectly organized because, quite honestly, I’m not an organized person. What I can promise is honesty. My hope is that by sharing my experiences, someone else might feel understood. Maybe you’ll see a piece of your own story in mine. I believe that sharing our stories takes away fear, replaces judgment with understanding, and reminds us that none of us are truly alone. I’ve lived through some incredibly beautiful moments, and I’ve also experienced some of life’s deepest wounds. Those experiences have left scars that may never completely disappear, but they have also shaped my strength, my faith, and my compassion for others. I don’t define myself by what I’ve been through. I define myself by the fact that I’m still here, still growing, still learning, and still believing there is hope. I’m a survivor. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you’ll stay awhile, and I hope something you read here brings you comfort, encouragement, or simply reminds you that someone else understands. Welcome.
  • I’m Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

    I’m Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

    I was very relieved when Joe said he didn’t want to see me or talk to me ever again. It had solved a huge problem for me.

    But yesterday when I woke up I started wondering, ‘Why did he cut me off just like that? What is his motive behind that?’

    I came up with numerous conclusions:

    1. He wanted a reaction out of me so he could file another restraining order against me for contacting him after he said “no more contact”.
    2. He doesn’t trust that I will keep his secrets.
    3. He got himself a new girlfriend
    4. He wants to monitor me from a distance.
    5. He wants to put me back on that hamster wheel.

    I admit, I was on the hamster wheel most of the day yesterday. I finally had to tell myself, ‘Doesn’t this feel familiar?’. After that realization, I quit.

    I then distracted my attention to my book. In there is where I wrote down several examples from the past that had occurred before and during my psychosis. It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s enough to prove my point.

    I decided to take the first page out of my book. I was originally going to dedicate it to Joe. But after finding out some facts I feel the question I had asked in the book was no longer necessary. That and I didn’t want the book to be all about him. I didn’t think he deserved any credit.

    I woke up this morning with a much fresher outlook on the day. Yesterday I spent too much time thinking. I’m done thinking about it. I’ll write things as I remember them. No more forcing memories.

  • You Should Always Walk Around With A Smile On Your Face

    You Should Always Walk Around With A Smile On Your Face

    What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?

    Isn’t it funny that we feel we have to wear a mask whenever we leave our house. Most people think happiness should come easy. But in my experience happiness has to come from within. And it also takes work to maintain that happiness.

    People think they’ll be happy if they were to win the lottery. They think they’ll be happy if they buy a boat. or a new vehicle. Or an expensive house. Or anything.

    One thing I have learned throughout my life is happiness does not come from cars, trucks, boats, or expensive houses. I tried that when I was married the first time.

    No, happiness must come from within. Happiness comes from being true to your authentic self. True to your morals and values. True to your spirit.

    I hadn’t felt happiness for a very long time, until now. My candle was snuffed out. But there was plenty of wax left to rebuild. I’ve got my whole future ahead of me.

    Did I say future? I’m actually planning a future now? I hadn’t planned my future for like…forever.

    It’s amazing what joy I get out of everyday life now. Or at least the past few days. I actually look forward to the mornings more than ever.

    And all of this happiness I’ve been feeling lately all stems from one thing: A release from bondage.

  • People Want To Stomp Out My Super Power

    People Want To Stomp Out My Super Power

    What is one way you have grown this year?

    I can’t believe there’s actually people out there like that….. And I can’t even spell the word I want to use. Dis en genuine. I don’t know, this is the word that keeps popping up for me.

    My feelings aren’t hurt. Him blocking me, instead of me making a foolish mistake, gives me complete satisfaction. Not only that, but God had to literally point him out to me. “Cindy. Open your eyes. See what you refuse to see.” I didn’t want to believe it at first. But now I know it’s true. In my eyes, this guy, his soul is evil. To put me through the hell he did. He gaslighted me for like a year or more.

    The important thing is I came out of it with my intuition back. It had been taken hostage for six (6) years and finally released. Which is a very wonderful feeling. I was like his prisoner, trapped by chains around my body and neck. But he finally let me go.

    You know, that could be considered compassion. He finally felt sorry for me and let me go. He even said something to the effect, I don’t want to see you suffer anymore….

    Who knows. It doesn’t even matter. I should thank him. But I’m sure there’s some anger in there somewhere. Just when I think of all the tricks.

  • I Cringe At The Word Narcissist, But Sometimes There Is No Better Word

    I Cringe At The Word Narcissist, But Sometimes There Is No Better Word

    I woke up to an interesting text this morning. It was “Joe”, telling me not to contact him anymore and that he’s blocking me.

    What prompted this? I caught him in a lie. I don’t know why he lied. I just know he lied. And since I now have proof of what kind of person he can be, it answers all my questions.

    I think “Joe” is a person with classic narcissistic personality disorder. I never knew how to recognize it before, until I posted about some of my experiences in this blog and received a very kind comment. Something about that comment woke me up. So I started paying more attention to things. And yes, looking back I am recognizing classics signs of NPD.

    Gaslighting was a perfect word for it. I needed somebody else to tell me and confirm what I already suspected. But couldn’t prove.

    Anyway, that’s history now and I can move through life accordingly without hesitation.

    Does it bother me to receive a text like that? Of course it does. But it also comes as a relief. I did or do love him and was prepared to go to battle for him with my friends and family. I knew if I continued to hang around him I might be faced with an ultimatum that I was seriously preparing for. He fixed the whole problem for me.

    I knew there was a reason why I was holding back from answering his relationship question. Maybe even procrastinating on an answer too. Because I really do love him…. Or I should say the version of him he showed me. Now I know, it was all fake.

  • I Think I’m On A Roll. Where’s The Dice? I’m Buying A Lottery Ticket.

    I Think I’m On A Roll. Where’s The Dice? I’m Buying A Lottery Ticket.

    Gee, I woke up this morning to find out I’ve been blocked by two people in one day…..

    Does that mean I struck a nerve on both of them? I could probably confront people a little kinder, do you suppose (?).

    I had a disagreement with a friend on Monday about a repetitive conversation we always have regarding her marriage and she blocked me.

    Today I wake up to a text message from “Joe” that said, “Don’t contact me anymore I am blocking you”, after I caught him in a lie last night.

    Boy I’m on a roll. I feel the ending of both relationships were for the best. As far as my friend, it doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it, I offend her. She’s very raw into her awakening, I probably should’ve been more sympathetic I guess. But She doesn’t like it when people push back on her (question her about things she has a differing opinion on). This is the third disagreement we have had over a difference of opinions regarding the same issue. Or, she’ll ask for my help or advice regarding her narcissistic husband. I tell her “leave the narcissist”, but she’s got so many excuses why she can’t. I guess I just got frustrated and said ‘if you’re going to continue living in that house you need to set up some boundaries for yourself….’ Well, that’s what I meant to say. But instead it came out, “Well, you obviously have your priorities and right now you’re saying everything else is more important than your mental health. Someday you will say, ‘Enough is enough’.

    As far as “Joe” is concerned he just made my decision easier. I don’t really know why he lied. But apparently it was a big deal. I’m brushing it off and moving forward anyway.

    So…… that leaves me with….🤔 ……….🤔………😂 I’m pretty much out of friends.

    The truth is, and this is what I’ve learned in my life, people are mainly more intimidated by me because my intuition is so powerful. I know things about people they don’t even know about themselves. That’s really why “Joe” doesn’t want anything more to do with me. I shattered the whole illusion he was trying to peddle to me.

    Well, I guess that’s a wonderful good morning for a person.

  • Follow Your Heart With Regards To Your Spirituality

    Follow Your Heart With Regards To Your Spirituality

    What is something you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?

    I remember as a child seeing God in the leaves on the trees.

    I remember picking apples behind the house. I remember the day. It was a warm fall day, and my chore was to pick apples off the ground for the pigs. What I remember about that chore was lying down under the apple tree and hearing the distant sound of a plane up above. I fell asleep under that apple tree to the sound of that airplane. Life was quiet and calm.

    That’s when I knew God was everywhere and in everything. That’s when I started my rituals. As a child. I would put my favorite trinkets on a makeshift table out of a tree stump.

    And for a very long time I kept my feelings about my faith to myself and just rolled with what was popular in my area. Now, I wish I had more options in our area. I don’t know anybody else that believes what I believe. So, I practice alone.

    I still feel like I can’t really talk about what I believe to my family. One sister especially. She would definitely call me a witch or something evil. So I do it in secret.

  • A Game Changer

    A Game Changer

    I have some news that totally changes the trajectory of my life. Remember me talking about that man I was dating that introduced me to that methamphetamine? Remember me talking about going into a drug induced psychosis? Well, the truth has finally emerged. That man, I’ll just call him “Joe”, finally fessed up to his involvement in these “delusions” I was having.

    It turns out I was right the whole time. I knew some of what I was going through was real. I just didn’t know how much was of his doing and how much was actually delusional. Well, now I know. And I feel completely vindicated. It doesn’t matter to me the specifics. I just needed to know my intuition was still in tact and not lost because of meth.

    I blame everything on the meth now. I don’t blame him, I don’t blame me, I don’t blame anybody else. I blame the meth. People do sinister things on that drug. It makes people into monsters, Liars and thieves.

    I am aware that at first they thought fucking with my head was funny. I’m guessing until they saw how I reacted to it. Then it became not so funny. And I believe they actually feared what I would do if I knew the truth…..

    No, I think they thought it was all funny. And the expense of their fun was the loss of myself for six (6) years. I couldn’t trust my judgment anymore. My family no longer trusted my judgment. I’ve pretty much been set free from a prison I have been in for six (6) years or more.

    I also don’t think they really understood the gravity of their actions, how it further harmed my mental health or mental state.

    I should be angry. After all, they preyed on my vulnerabilities. Who does that? And now that I know what I know, am I letting people off the hook that easily? No, I don’t believe so.

    At this point in my life, I’m willing to give “Joe” an opportunity to redeem himself. We are both clean now and that makes a difference. I believe I CAN take care of myself again. Prior to this new knowledge I felt crippled by my mental health. The fact that “Joe” actually fessed up to lessen my insecurities and poor feelings about myself tells me he does have a heart in there somewhere. Finally. After six (6) years. But you know, nobody likes to talk about their nasty behavior from meth. It’s embarrassing and humiliating, to name just two words off the top of my head.

    All I know is today feels like an amazing day. I can see the light again.

    Peace ☮️

  • A Soulmate Is The Person You Marry

    A Soulmate Is The Person You Marry

    Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?

    I do believe that everybody has a soulmate. Their soulmate is the person they marry.

    Now now, I know people are going to balk at that. I wanted to as well when I first heard it. Out of my own mouth. Just a second ago. 😂

    I don’t know where that answer came from. I heard it and I spoke it.

    But you know what? That makes so much sense. Of course your soulmate should be your marriage partner. It only makes sense. That is the only human you should be bearing your soul too. That’s my opinion.

    I know this New Age stuff talks a lot about soulmates and twin flames. And this is only my personal opinion,

    I believe in Twin Flames. Those are people that come in and out of your life in a hot second. And that second was hot 🥵 😂 Anyway, you can recognize them by the intensity of arousal. You can feel it from a distance. Those people are meant to teach you a lesson and be on their way. That sucks.

    I believe my first ex husband was my soulmate. I believe my second ex husband was a twin flame.

    I don’t believe I was supposed to divorce my first husband. Mania and alcohol got in the way and distorted my vision.

    But God turns a mess into a miracle every day.

    I believe I am a miracle. I believe God gave me the lessons he did in this life because he knows how strong I really am. Even if I cant quite see it myself yet. He’s preparing me for the front line of the battle.

    Everybody has their own special story that I was meant to write about.

    Writing is my basic passion. It gets all the stuff out of my head that I think about. It prevents me from ruminating. And it helps me self reflect.

    Just like the tarot cards. I don’t use them to try and predict my future. I use them just to figure out what I’m truly feeling deep down in my subconscious.

    Since that whole two year meth bender I have been…. “Out of Service” in the brain area. I don’t have feelings anymore. I’ve turned my life into one big analysis. All my head knows how to do is solve problems. Just like a robot. I feel dead in some areas of my life.

    Like I told you, Carl Jung, that famous psychoanalyst, used tarot for the exact reason I’m talking about. To get his patients underlying thoughts/feelings. Things we don’t notice on the surface.

    I say, if I am wrong God will convict me. But I’ve invited Jesus and the Holy Spirit into my readings. 😮 (I can hear the yammering now). I believe if I am in the wrong God will convict me.

    I haven’t felt convicted so far.

    And I really feel like I’m sticking my head out on a limb by confessing these things. But I believe honesty is the best policy, and I believe there are good people out there whom will tolerate my insane opinions.

    Peace ✌️ out and goodnight 🌙.

  • Being In A Drug Induced Psychosis

    Being In A Drug Induced Psychosis

    What’s a moment in your life that felt like it was straight out of a movie?

    I may have bipolar disorder, but I’ve never had a psychotic episode until I went on that two year meth bender. I still, to this day, don’t know what was real and what was not. That question has been plaguing me for years and the only person that might have some insight for me isn’t giving any information out.

    I don’t know that I’m ever going to feel complete with all of this mystery in the way. And maybe that’s how he wants it; me, always wondering. I suppose that’s a good way to punish me for my indiscretions towards him. The problem is we are now in the present and I still feel like I’m under some kind of spell from him regarding the past.

    There’s gotta be a point in a person’s life when it’s time to just move on, even without the answers you so seek. And maybe the reason I need to know is so I can recognize it next time it happens. I don’t want to be fooled twice.

    I don’t know…. I just don’t understand how a person can watch me go through the things I did without helping me or acknowledging that I wasn’t well. Or that what I was seeing or going through wasn’t real. I’m never going to get an answer to these questions. You say you love me, but you watched me suffer for a year and never said a word. This is a hard one to understand. It’s like, I want to be angry, but I have no right to be angry because of what I did to him.

    I wish I could just put this on a shelf to dissect at a later time. But I admit, my mind is absolutely stuck on this, and has been for quite some time. I don’t understand how somebody who claimed they loved me can watch me go through a psychosis and not help me. He admitted he knew something wasn’t right, but he didn’t know the term for it. He said he tried telling me the only way he knew how and that was telling me I was nuts.

    Regardless of his excuses I don’t buy a word of what he says. He knows he had some involvement in it. I know he had some involvement in it, even if it was just egging my delusions on or just plain not telling me what I was seeing and hearing on TV wasn’t real. Why wouldn’t he at least tell me that much? My only conclusion is he and his friends thought it was funny.

    Anyway, this is what I’m wrestling with today. Maybe in time the need to know will go away and the only person to validate my experience is myself. I’ll just have to live with that.

  • Demonstrate Love By Loving People You Normally Wouldn’t Love

    Demonstrate Love By Loving People You Normally Wouldn’t Love

    What are the most important things needed to live a good life?

    As Jesus once said,”Let the man who has no sin throw the first stone”.

    It’s easy to love when things go smoothly in your life. It’s easy to love your friends, family and significant others.

    But what about the unlovable? The people who refuse to look at themselves and admit there may be an issue.

    People with narcissistic personality disorder, I believe, are often misunderstood. People with narcissistic personality disorder cannot see what is wrong with them. They are in a fantasy world. They think they can have what they want when they want. This is called a sense of entitlement. Where do they get that idea that they are so special?

    I think this fits a description of a parent doing the exact opposite for their child thinking the best answer is to just give in. And that’s how we end up with a world full of entitled bullies. Our future Generation X, if you may.

    I think the best person to answer the question is a narcissist. I’m willing to admit that I do have narcissistic tendencies. And I’m not here asking people to start diagnosing those difficult people in your life. Narcissistic Personality Disorder has basic MO’s. If you are questioning whether you are narcissistic or have NPD, you most likely do not have it. People with NPD see themselves above others. They see others as the problem, and never look at themselves. They do feel they should get special treatment. Because they are special.

    Keep in mind that everybody displays characteristics of NPD, but not everyone has NPD. They have to meet certain criteria, and, well, we never get accurate data on this topic, because narcissists never go therapy, they don’t see a problem. But it is getting well recognized. So much that everybody seems to have that diagnosis nowadays.

    I don’t know why I got on this tangent, but it’s what came to mind.

    I hope everybody is well.