The Wiccan Christian

Hope, Healing and Happiness in Trauma Recovery

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Welcome to The Wiccan Christian. I’m sure many people wonder, “What exactly does that mean?” The truth is, I’m not sure there’s an official definition. If there is, I suppose that’s what I am. Hi, my name is Cindy. I created this blog to be something like a diary—a place to share my thoughts, favorite quotes, Bible verses, spiritual reflections, and the little things I’ve learned along the way. Some of these ideas are my own. Others have come from people whose words stayed with me long after I heard them. Together, they’ve helped shape the person I am today. I won’t promise that this blog will be perfectly organized because, quite honestly, I’m not an organized person. What I can promise is honesty. My hope is that by sharing my experiences, someone else might feel understood. Maybe you’ll see a piece of your own story in mine. I believe that sharing our stories takes away fear, replaces judgment with understanding, and reminds us that none of us are truly alone. I’ve lived through some incredibly beautiful moments, and I’ve also experienced some of life’s deepest wounds. Those experiences have left scars that may never completely disappear, but they have also shaped my strength, my faith, and my compassion for others. I don’t define myself by what I’ve been through. I define myself by the fact that I’m still here, still growing, still learning, and still believing there is hope. I’m a survivor. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you’ll stay awhile, and I hope something you read here brings you comfort, encouragement, or simply reminds you that someone else understands. Welcome.

Being In A Drug Induced Psychosis

What’s a moment in your life that felt like it was straight out of a movie?

I may have bipolar disorder, but I’ve never had a psychotic episode until I went on that two year meth bender. I still, to this day, don’t know what was real and what was not. That question has been plaguing me for years and the only person that might have some insight for me isn’t giving any information out.

I don’t know that I’m ever going to feel complete with all of this mystery in the way. And maybe that’s how he wants it; me, always wondering. I suppose that’s a good way to punish me for my indiscretions towards him. The problem is we are now in the present and I still feel like I’m under some kind of spell from him regarding the past.

There’s gotta be a point in a person’s life when it’s time to just move on, even without the answers you so seek. And maybe the reason I need to know is so I can recognize it next time it happens. I don’t want to be fooled twice.

I don’t know…. I just don’t understand how a person can watch me go through the things I did without helping me or acknowledging that I wasn’t well. Or that what I was seeing or going through wasn’t real. I’m never going to get an answer to these questions. You say you love me, but you watched me suffer for a year and never said a word. This is a hard one to understand. It’s like, I want to be angry, but I have no right to be angry because of what I did to him.

I wish I could just put this on a shelf to dissect at a later time. But I admit, my mind is absolutely stuck on this, and has been for quite some time. I don’t understand how somebody who claimed they loved me can watch me go through a psychosis and not help me. He admitted he knew something wasn’t right, but he didn’t know the term for it. He said he tried telling me the only way he knew how and that was telling me I was nuts.

Regardless of his excuses I don’t buy a word of what he says. He knows he had some involvement in it. I know he had some involvement in it, even if it was just egging my delusions on or just plain not telling me what I was seeing and hearing on TV wasn’t real. Why wouldn’t he at least tell me that much? My only conclusion is he and his friends thought it was funny.

Anyway, this is what I’m wrestling with today. Maybe in time the need to know will go away and the only person to validate my experience is myself. I’ll just have to live with that.

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