Welcome to The Wiccan Christian. I’m sure many people wonder, “What exactly does that mean?” The truth is, I’m not sure there’s an official definition. If there is, I suppose that’s what I am. Hi, my name is Cindy. I created this blog to be something like a diary—a place to share my thoughts, favorite quotes, Bible verses, spiritual reflections, and the little things I’ve learned along the way. Some of these ideas are my own. Others have come from people whose words stayed with me long after I heard them. Together, they’ve helped shape the person I am today. I won’t promise that this blog will be perfectly organized because, quite honestly, I’m not an organized person. What I can promise is honesty. My hope is that by sharing my experiences, someone else might feel understood. Maybe you’ll see a piece of your own story in mine. I believe that sharing our stories takes away fear, replaces judgment with understanding, and reminds us that none of us are truly alone. I’ve lived through some incredibly beautiful moments, and I’ve also experienced some of life’s deepest wounds. Those experiences have left scars that may never completely disappear, but they have also shaped my strength, my faith, and my compassion for others. I don’t define myself by what I’ve been through. I define myself by the fact that I’m still here, still growing, still learning, and still believing there is hope. I’m a survivor. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you’ll stay awhile, and I hope something you read here brings you comfort, encouragement, or simply reminds you that someone else understands. Welcome.
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Since the huge fires in Hawaii I haven’t been too interested in living anywhere else, but where I am currently. This has been my home state since my birth. And though it gets plenty cold in the winter, I still stay.
In my opinion, the state I’m in is probably the safest state these days. Although we have a fraudster for a governor and other thieves that stole Minnesota taxpayers money.
But, considering all of the natural disasters that have been of recent, I can honestly say Minnesota has been protected from anything too traumatic. And God reminds us of this fortune every day, so we do not take it for granted.
I’m not even going to call him by his fake name anymore. From now on he is known as Him and He. Those are his pronouns. 😁
I still cry really hard at night. From all the trauma I endured those two years. I can tell you what I want to compare it to. I want to compare it to being enslaved. Sexually at first. And if you couldn’t perform any longer. Not because you’ve got the problem. But chances are somebody else does.
Anyway, yes, I do cry. When I think about how someone can be so demeaning and cruel. I just can’t imagine it. I mean, those type of people are not anybody I want to be known to hang around. They’re just not nice people.
It is true that people will do anything for that drug. A person will sell his soul. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. Loss. I’m experiencing it now.
I talked to my daughter about the situation between Him and I. To keep this simple, I’ll just say I’m no longer allowed over to their house until they’re feeling better about the situation. They know I can’t be trusted right now. I am very vulnerable right now.
My personal feeling about it is I feel I CAN manage it. I don’t want to take anybody home with me. When I’m offered I don’t suck on it for an hour before passing it along 🤪.
I mean, I can rationalize and minimize, but the truth is these people harmed me psychologically. And that’s really what this discussion is about. I don’t think I’ll ever heal from that completely. People with mental illnesses never get better. Stress makes them worse. The longer they hang onto stress, the more debilitating their mental health is going to become.
You know, if I think about it that way, I suppose I could sue. …..
I could so see him paying me each month a large sum of money because of my accident and that will be my compensation from him for what he has done to me.
And I already know, he’s going to pretend that he doesn’t even know what I’m talking about.
But, I also know he’ll pay. 💰
Right dear??
These are always how my blogs go. Unorganized and very often unfinished thoughts on paper. That’s even to happen when you feel betrayed or overwhelmed.
There is no such thing as “Just a little Bipolar “. Either you have bipolar disorder or you don’t.
And I certainly can’t judge for anybody, but myself. Though, I did not diagnose myself. I was diagnosed by a doctor, when I was about 25 years old.
I don’t know if it’s my upbringing that brings this up, but I feel like I’m in some kind of tremendous ruckus that’s going to lead to a money making deal for me.
That may have sounded ludicrous, but it was in my head to speak it, so that’s what I did. I spoke exactly what I was hearing. And the word “me” certainly does not specifically mean “me”. It could mean “me” for any of us. Any of us can be “me”.
I’ve been working on my memoir. Working in PE therapy has been a great help in nudging me out into the public. Without fear of judgment, ridicule, but I can’t say without fear of running into my abuser. That’s how we started talking again.
When I was on that two year addiction I was not myself at all. When I look back I see the brokenness I was feeling. As well as feeling so paralyzed by fear. I felt incredibly dependent on Joe for several reasons. But my main reason: he was one of only two people I had in the area to help keep me on track with my mental health.
Unfortunately, both failed, so I learned that both people that were in my area are not support people. They only want to be around for the jokes. Nobody likes to deal with people that have bipolar disorder.
That was actually an untrue statement. I believe each of our significant others deal with changes as they arise.
That’s just what I’ve experienced in my life. I can add to people’s stress, because of the stressful things I do when I am manic.
My childhood and growing up years were enough chaos for me. I feel I am definitely done with chaos. If protecting my peace loses me more friends, then, as the old cliche says, it’s their loss. They weren’t really friends.
But the chaos continued on into my adulthood. I won’t say I was ever physically abused by any of my pursuers. (just one in high school) But when I look back I see the results of choices I made in mates; I see the big word – controlling.
I do not regret the birth of my one and only daughter and child. She is now 🤔 37 years old and she’s rocking in her life. I remember being her age. That was about the time I threw all my medication in the garbage and started jogging.
I won’t say I jogged immediately. I had to work myself into a jog.
Nothing was more satisfying at times than jogging myself right into a manic, or hypo manic episodes, which, for me, is fine if you like “fun gal Cindy”.
Lots of people like that gal. But when Cindy is falling short on any given day, nobody seems to notice. Maybe they just don’t care. No. They probably just don’t know how to help.
As far as I’m concerned Joe made a very good decision for both of us. There was way too much baggage between us. He says he’s forgiven me for what I did. But I’ve also known Joe for a while now. I know his actions don’t match his words.
It’s hard to find someone that truly understands about mental illness and just how paralyzing it can be at times. Especially for those just like me, I have a lot to say, until a camera is in my face. Then suddenly I ….
Well, I won’t lie. I have flashbacks of those days of trouble with the law. How confused I was with what was going on. The whole situation with me was a well crafted trap. I remember calling Joe, looking for some support from somebody. And he was now all I had. My family had disowned me as long as I continued to stay near him.
I became afraid of him, eventually. I don’t believe he himself would do it. But he would craft another mental breakdown for me The mental abuse alone has caused me, my family and friends tremendous suffering.
I just can’t believe a person, or group of people could be so cruel to think it’s funny to mess with a disabled person’s head like he/they did. For well over a year. Him and I were together a lot. He was a witness to my behavior. Along with a female friend I have as well. And my brother.
My brother was more like a mediator between what was real and what was not. I listened to him pretty well. Whenever I heard something new from the tarot readers I would run to him and tell him what they said. He never argued with me, and was probably the best thing people could have just let me get caught, like I did. I admit that arrest was traumatic, I ended up wetting my pants I got so scared. And because I was doing that “nasty’ drug so heavily it made my urine Oder very very bad. I just remember 4 police officers, one at each arm and each leg gagging over the smell of my urine.
You would think I’d be embarrassed telling y’all this. Normally, I maybe would be embarrassed. But I thought “Heck, who cares”. And that’s how impulsive behaviors start. When a case of the f**** it’s come it’s time to put the blog down and just go take a nap first.
When I first put this blog together a few months ago I was having a very difficult time with things like: The About Me page, the Passion for Writing page and the smaller “about” that shows up between every post page.
But today, rather than focusing on getting a post out, I actually took some extra time and thought into these areas. So, you may notice subtle changes on those pages/parts if you’re a regular visitor.
If you’re a new visitor, welcome! Be sure to read my About Me Page as well as My Passion for Writing bit. 😊
I took my email address off the About Me page because that address is actually going to be expiring soon and I haven’t decided exactly what, if any I want to do about email for the site readers. I’m just gonna think on it for a while. I want to be available to readers who would like to keep a connection. I would like to stay connected as well. But I guess I don’t know, is that really a thing bloggers do? I know a website I maintained six years ago had an email address. But it was never used.
I guess, what I’m going to do for now is let the comments decide. If you think having a blog email would be beneficial leave me a comment. All you have to say is a simple “No” or “Yes”. Responses will be the deciding factor right now.
In the meantime cyngsoul70@thewiccanchristian.blog is still available for now.
I hope everybody had a wonderful 250 celebration 🥳🇺🇸
What do you love now, that you hated when you were younger?
I grew up on a farm, which meant we had a lot of “farm chores” to do. One of these “farm chores” was maintaining a garden that I swear my dad made the size of a city block! Planting, raking, weeding and harvesting this big garden was not my favorite chore. And all that hard work, I swear, had to be done on the hottest days of the summer.
I especially remember the long, plentiful rows of potatoes, beans and peas. I know we planted more items, but it’s these three I think about most. Why? Because I very much disliked picking beans and peas from these mile long rows. Really, I am not exaggerating (😂).
I did get some satisfaction out of digging up potatoes in the fall though. It was always fun to see “How big did they get?” Or, “How many did this plant produce?”. Potatoes became more like a mystery game. So I did get some kind of enjoyment out of digging up potatoes (unless my dad was involved in the process as well. He always seemed to make jobs harder than they needed to be).
Am I complaining? Yes. I really did not like gardening as a child or preteen or teen. But, when I became an adult and had my own space for gardening I absolutely loved it. Still love it. The gardening size has just gotten quite smaller with the space I have available now. Maybe I love it as an adult now because I don’t plant peas or beans. As a younger person those were two vegetables I swore I would not plant if I ever made a garden just for myself.
And my very own garden today consists, not of vegetables, but of flowers. Flowers are more my passion than a vegetable garden. Although, I do understand a vegetable garden to be more of a necessity. Especially these days with the rising cost of food.
Now that I think about it, the garden was one of many “farm chores” I truly disliked.
But I was a kid. What did I know? I just wanted to play with my friends and have a day off from “chores” more often than just a Sunday afternoon, after dinner dishes were done.
I like browsing all of my blogger friends materials. I don’t really like the idea of separating or comparing, because I feel everybody’s voice and talent deserves to be heard and recognized.
With that said, I hope everybody has an amazing day.
What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?
Sometime around June 13, “Joe” admitted to putting malware on my laptop when we were dating. He said it started out as a joke. They didn’t realize I would react the way I did.
Joe put malware on my laptop. I knew someone had done something to my electronics. The malware got into my phone and iPad, since all were synced together.
I kept blaming it on the wrong person. He made it look like somebody else was doing it. While I was busy harassing the person I thought it was, he was laughing at me. This lasted well over a year. Nobody believed me because of my bipolar diagnosis. They thought I was hallucinating and having delusions. Part of it may have been. I’ve never had a delusion before, until that. Doctors didn’t think I was taking my medication, so they forced shots on me, which really wasn’t a bad thing. I didn’t have to remember or take meds every day. So it was pretty convenient. Even though the med they were sticking me with increased my anxiety level more.
I could sit and be angry about this. Maybe even unforgiving. But you know what I realized through all of this? That man is not right in the head.
He said he did it because I was spending less and less time with him, and well, I guess he wanted all of my attention.
The only grudge I still hold is how he stole my intuition for six (6) years. And I now have it back. I spent six (6) years living in hell because I didn’t think I could trust my own judgment anymore. But now that I know the truth I feel vindicated. I feel like I can trust myself again. And my gut feelings.
I’m in the process of writing a memoir. I talk in depth a little more about this and Joe and how he hurt me.
But he can’t hurt me anymore. I know he thinks he can. But he can’t. And for by the grace of God I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse. And I’m over it.
What’s the best advice you’d give to someone younger than you?
I was fourteen (14) years old when I had my first real boyfriend. He was five (5) years older than me. That was my first consensual sexual encounter.
I am now fifty-six (56) years old and I look back at my life. I see that I’ve had several sexual encounters and some of them I am not very proud of. Lots of them were pretty drunken. Does that count as consensual or non-consensual? Either way it makes no difference now.
I just want to keep this short. Having sex prior to marriage ruins the marriage, in my opinion. Because, you are wearing every other encounter prior to him. All of that bondage. It’s hard to erase and it’s hard to keep a marriage alive when your soul has already been shared. It makes your honeymoon a little less exciting. Kind of makes the marriage a little “eh”. You lose interest in sex at an earlier age than if you would’ve waited till marriage. Spouses often wonder if they’re better than any of the others before.
Now that I’m older and wiser I really wish I would have waited. Having sex at such a young age was really meaningless. It has made certain areas of my life feel meaningless as an adult. It had a profound effect on both of my marriages.
Oh, and by the way, yes, I was married twice. Do I think that is the right way to solve problems? No. I still believe what it says in the Bible about marriage. So yes, if I was to divorce, then I was to remain single. But I didn’t. I remarried. And stats show that half the people who have divorced and remarried will struggle. And I did. We did.
Jesus’s teaches us how to live a life free of sin. Of course Jesus knows it’s impossible for humans to be perfect living in satan’s domain. But the important thing is to always keep trying.
In heaven we will be made perfect. In the meantime, the following verses stress how having a personal relationship with Jesus is beneficial and important (if you want to be invited into Heaven):
John 15:15: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
John 14:23: “Jesus replied, ‘Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.’”
Revelation 3:20: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.”
Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
John 17:3: “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”
John 15:15: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
John 14:23: “Jesus replied, ‘Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.’”
