The Wiccan Christian

Everything

4/10/2026

What makes you nervous?

I suffer from chronic anxiety, so everything makes me nervous. I’ve been trying to work through this in therapy and I do take medication for it. I’m also on disability because of it. That and bipolar disorder and complex PTSD and etc. I have numerous “labels”. I’m not very happy about most of them. I just don’t like being labeled period. Some of them I may agree with but others I don’t.

I’m feeling much better today, physically and emotionally. I feel like God intervened in my life by turning that methamphetamine into poison, to remove cravings, so this relapse does not happen again. I stayed away from the stuff for six years with God’s intervention and he knew I needed another intervention to stop me from making another mess of my life.

I am truly grateful today. I see God has blessed me. He has other plans for me that does not involve chemicals.

God is good ☮️
I Was Just Sitting Here Thinking

4/10/2026

Thinking about all of the things in my life that I am grateful for, and that I often forget to let people know when I’m soon to be in a mental health crisis.

Somebody has been praying for me, I feel, just the fact that I’m even alive.

That second relapse that only lasted for a day or so really caused me a lot of problems. I thought for sure I was gonna die in my sleep. I was dizzy, light headed, almost fainting and I had terrible nausea.

I talked to my doctor yesterday and was honest with her about my condition. She said it was probably withdrawal. I was positive I had been poisoned and it was causing me tremendous anxiety. I didn’t realize it was anxiety until I checked my blood pressure and pulse: 148/87 with a pulse of 44. That blood pressure may not seem too high to some people, but for me it is. My blood pressure is normally 100/67. My pulse was too low, but not for me. I typically have a low pulse. I asked chatGPT about my blood pressure and pulse and going through a series of questions with her she told me I need to go to the ER. I seriously thought that chemical I took was poison.

Today is a better day. I now see this sickness as God’s intervention. Any cravings I may have had I no longer have an interest to do it again.

I was regressing, and I didn’t know how to stop it, but to sleep it off. Then I’d feel better. But I’ve got work to worry about, so I need to suck up these withdrawal symptoms (I truly don’t feel it was withdrawal, but rather poisoned chemicals). I’m not willing to put myself through the fear of wondering what I’m actually putting in my body again. It has deterred me from doing it anymore.

It’s that undercurrent of anxiety welling up. It’s showing up in my pulse and blood pressure. My nausea. My doctor gave me some different scripts today for fourteen days while I struggle through this.

My problem is, I feel like I’ve been poisoned. Whatever it was I was given I smoked for a day or two before getting sick and throwing it away in the toilet🚽. I know how asshole users can be. I know he gave me bad stuff and kept the good stuff for himself. I don’t even know if it’s really worth talking about anymore.

I know if you focus on the negative things nothing good comes out of it.

Tarot is not real. Tarot is for mind reading. That’s all the cards do, is read your deep subconscious. if you need proof google (tarot cards and Carl Young). The internet is full of your answers. Carl Jung used them in his therapy sessions as a tool to read the patient’s sub conscious thoughts/feelings. That’s what I read somewhere and I believe it. When I was on meth that’s what I was doing, reading my own sub conscious thoughts.

This post may make people feel uncomfortable. Don’t be. This is typical behavior from me, especially when I’m in mania or going into mania that has suddenly turned into depression.

I know what it is. I’m not a person to talk brain chemicals. I may say something based on my own knowledge, but this is what I think is going on:

A few weekends ago I spent the weekend at my girlfriend’s house. When I got there she was smoking methamphetamine with a couple other people. I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. So when they handed it to me I took a hit and it brought back all the things I liked about. It gave me more confidence. It helped me get things done. It took away the depression.

I asked chat GPT “why do I lay in bed all the time like my dad did? And now my brother does too?”. She told me it was a coping mechanism you’ve used to keep yourself safe. I found that very enlightening, but it doesn’t make it any better.

I’ve been working on this stuff my whole life; 56 years, and I still don’t have it right.

I’m not so sure PE therapy is such a good thing. I mean, it brings up things that were buried. And though I understand the concept behind it, it just triggers me very easily. which isn’t good for the people around me. And not so good for my sobriety. Things are being brought up that I just want buried.

I feel so good this evening. I did not drink. I’ve realized I’ve been drinking about 3 glasses of wine a day since my birthday of 2023. That’s three years. That’s $12 a day. I could just as well be back to cigarettes and enjoying myself in the mornings, sitting outside and listening to the birds wake up.

This is my favorite time of year and I’m missing it. Because I have no energy to get out of bed.

Ive gotta work tomorrow and I’m scared. It’s late and I’m afraid I’m going to oversleep.

Oh, regarding being poisoned. I truly feel like this experience was an act of God. I feel he intervened before things got too carried away.

Because the first time with my girlfriend was euphoric . I left the house craving it. So I got some to continue for a couple days.

Well, then my other friend whom knew I relapsed asked me over the phone if I want to go in on some stuff with him for a good price. I said “sure”, and that’s what I mean by a case of the f it’s. I already relapsed, the opportunity is right in my face and I’m an addict. I told him I’d send him $60. He didn’t get to my house till 10pm. He gave me a bag and left. I probably smoked it for two days, then started getting sick. I was so sick. And angry at him. That’s what addicts do. Now I feel like I’ve been poisoned.

Today is a new day. I went to an online meeting this morning and physically I feel much better.

New clean date: April 21.

I’m sorry if this post is all over the place, I started this post yesterday and finishing up today.

Peace ☮️
It Hurts When You Feel Like You’ve Been Taken Advantage Of

4/10/2026

Istockphoto.com

This is extremely hard for me to talk about. But I can’t ignore it. We all know I had a relapse the end of March/beginning of April. Well, maybe not all of us knew, but if anybody read my old blog they knew. Well, I about had a huge one AGAIN. Maybe it’s not called a relapse. You tell me after I tell you.

It’s weird. It seems when I tell addicts I had a relapse they suddenly want to start coming around. Not with the truth, but with a lie. And me, being so gullible, think they really like me. NOT.

I have this male friend. We’ve been friends since we were in high school. And yes, I will admit we’ve been sexual on several occasions. I’ve always kind of had a crush on him, but he has never wanted to settle down.

I’ll try to get straight to the point here. Yesterday he texted me and said he had run out of gas after bringing his daughter home to her mother. He was about 50 miles from home. So I sent him $30 through PayPal. He said he was going to stop by, but he never showed up. It made me think 🤔.

Well, it happened again this evening. He asked me if I wanted to go in on something with him. Being the addict I am I said “sure”, and again sent him $60 through PayPal. Again, he said he would stop by on his way home. Again, he was a no show.

He sent me a text at 7pm telling me he was about a half hour away. It got to be 8:30 and he was still a no-show. I got angry again. I sent him a mean text then just blew it off. Addicts are never on time.

At 10pm, as I was about to go to bed, there’s a knock on my door. What do you know, it was him. He gave me a little baggy of something, practically forced himself on me, and I rejected him, so he left.

I give God the credit for watching over me, because whatever it was this friend gave me made me really really sick. I flushed the crap down the toilet and decided enough is enough. I just want my life back.

I am a bit concerned about what that was though. My body feels dirty now, on the inside. And I’ve been having issues with practically fainting ever since. That’s how I know I won’t touch it again. Meth addicts are sneaky and slimy. Yes, that includes me when I was an addict. Now, I just want my life back.

But I admit I was disappointed and hurt. Not about the crap, but about how he treated me. I am guessing he took my money and bought stuff for himself and gave me who-the-hell-knows-what. That is what upsets me. I feel like he gave me poison (not that the regular stuff is any better for you).

I’ve decided I don’t want to associate with people who are currently using. I made that decision six (6) years ago. The crowd they run with are scary. I know, I’ve been around it in the past. I’ve done a full circle and blocked everybody I know that uses, including my best friend who enticed me back into it. The meth world is very scary. I don’t want to associate with people who do that.

Now I just have to deal with my f*** up. I have an appointment with my med management doctor tomorrow and I suppose I’m going to have to tell her about my relapse(s). I don’t want to alarm her as I’m afraid she’ll take away one of my anxiety medications (it’s a benzo). They typically won’t prescribe benzo’s to recovering addicts. And when I think about it she may actually blame herself for prescribing it (they say one drug leads to another).

With that being said, I’m going to try and find an online meeting tonight. I think I need to talk this out with people. It might help me feel better about myself, because right now I feel like a big disappointment to my family and non using friends. The first time I got over quite quickly. This second time I can’t, for some reason. I guess because I have no one else to blame but myself. I knew full well I was up to no good. And I do believe that God intervened on my behalf with that garbage that I got.

For now, I’m sick. That makes it a good reminder.

Peace out ☮️
YouTube Meditation Music

4/10/2026

How do you use social media?

Plus lots of other reasons why I use YouTube. YouTube is my favorite platform. You can find anything on there.

I used to be a big facebook fan, but not so much anymore. I’ve had an experience with bullying on there and don’t care to relive it. Of course, I contacted, or attempted to contact facebook to report it several times. But Facebook didn’t give a flying f***.

I listen to meditation music on YouTube all day long. It relieves my anxiety to some extent.
Setting Boundaries

4/10/2026

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

I am realizing this man does not have my best interests at heart. Maybe he loves me, but he sure has an awful way of showing it. I’ve now just realized what he’s been doing to me. I have now just realized he is a narcissist. And possibly a sociopath.

I didn’t figure it out on my own. It took friends and family to beat me over the head with it. But the biggest help was hearing it from my brother’s girlfriend. I’m not sure why her, but I think she’s had experience with abuse as well.

What I don’t understand is why did I not see it. Was I in denial? Was I used to that kind of treatment? My friend pointed two things out to me:

One, I had a female friend that was in love with me (maybe still is). I kept trying to maintain a simple friendship with her, but she always turned it around that “we were dating”. I’ve known her since I was sixteen (16) and she was fourteen (14). Trust me, I’ll never forget, because she always used to remind me. My friend pointed out the abuse she was putting me through for… thirty (30) years maybe 🤔. Maybe more (I’m terrible at math). Anyway, our friendship was always so tumultuous, especially the last ten (10) years. And personally, it’s my own fault for staying with her and her husband for three (3) months when I left my first husband. During that stay I slept with them in their bed. At that time I had a lot of mental health issues and was self medicating with alcohol. So I was always drunk there. I was also manic. I do have bipolar disorder and looking back, yeah I was manic. And when I’m manic I do risky behaviors. And I quit taking my medication because I think I’m cured.

Needless to say, my horsing around with her/them caused a big problem. She wouldn’t let me go. She divorced her husband for me, thinking I would do the same. Then we would run off together and live happily ever after. I burst her bubble when I said that’s not going to happen.

Until I did have to leave my second husband. I needed help and contacted her, after not speaking for two years (my husband didn’t like me hanging around her). Contacting her for help was the wrong thing to do, because the same problem started all over again. I had been dealing this problem ever since.

I have finally cut all ties with her. It’s probably been three (3) months or more. I don’t miss her. Well, I miss our friendship. But then again, we never really had a friendship. In her eyes we had a relationship. Once it was pounded in my head by her, that she does not want to be friends, that was enough for me to walk away. You don’t have to tell me twice.

My friend explained to me that she was just as mean, controlling and manipulative as this man was. They are two of the same people. That’s why they hate each other so much.

When she said this to me, quite clearly, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes. And I could finally see the dysfunction in both of them. It did absolutely no good to confront either of them on their behavior, ever. They saw me as the problem, literally. They blamed my feelings on my bipolar disorder. So, I guess that’s what I believed

Second will have to be continued another day. I think this post is long enough.
Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. And He is Everywhere.

4/10/2026

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

I know Christian’s balk at me because of my beliefs. They ask me, “How can you be both? That doesn’t even make sense.”

Well my dears, first off, I think it may be in the book of Revelation where Jesus was called “The High Priest”, which is a Wiccan term.

In the Bible it speaks of how people were able to tell the time or seasons by the stars, the sun and the moon.

The three (3) wiseman followed a star to find Jesus as he was born. The three (3) wise men were astronomers.

There are quite a few similarities between the Bible and Wiccan beliefs. The only thing I can really recall that is different and that is who you worship.

I believe in God. I also believe in Jesus. I do believe that Jesus was the son of God. But we are all sins and daughters of God. I believe in the crucifixion. And I believe in the resurrection. God can do anything. And he puts people where they need to be, right spot and right time. Jesus died on the cross for us. He did. Whether that was his mission from God or his family. His upbringing.

Everybody has a gift. It’s time we all started finding out what each one’s are and find a way to use it that is beneficial for all of us.
Every Day is a New Chance to Grow

4/10/2026

Istickphito.com

I have had a lot going on this past week with my feelings. Today I cried. I cried so hard and loud. That what my mother said to me back when I was younger, was true. I ain’t nothing but a jezebel. I texted her a couple weeks ago, and asked her to break the spell. I think maybe I will send her another text. I just got the heartbreak of the … well a part of my life.

For some dumb reason I can’t understand, I let this man have contact with me. And I don’t know why. Tonight I finally figured it out.

The last time he was over to my house we ordered door dash. I said we can do that tonight. He made the oddest remarks to me. Where I could see his anger. He was angry at me and wasn’t being honest. But he would rather do what a narcissist does and tell me I’m imagining things. I’m over reacting. When I know in his heat he’s very angry and still feels betrayed.

It started over door dash. He told me I shouldn’t meet door dash alone. I said “I’m not. You’re going to be here”. He tried telling me he wasn’t here when I ordered door dash last time. I said, “yes you were”. Then he tried telling me I was naked when I met door dash. I said, “I was not!”. Then he laughed and said “I was just kidding”. I could hear in the tone of his voice on both occasions he was telling me something that he didn’t want to outright say. He was F***ing with my head.

I confronted him on it. Of course he didn’t mean anything by it. But it sure reminds me of a friend I used to have. Same controlling, manipulative behavior. No wonder why they hated each other. They were both running the same competition and they were both just as …. Narcissistic.

Saying it out loud feels kind of different, unsafe. But it is true, now that my eyes are open. I would get the same smart answers from someone else as well, that would turn around and hurt me, then say, “No I didn’t”, or laugh me off, or saying, “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re over reacting”. You know, those smart words a narcissist would say.

It also reminded me of the spell my mother put on me. When I was growing up my mother would call me a jezebel. I didn’t really know what it meant. But I figured it had to be bad. And that’s what I grew up with.

I played the part pretty well I guess. I sure had enough dates. Never realizing that this whole time I was living up to my mom’s word. Her spell.

I’m 56 years old now, and all I have are memories of pain and suffering. Let’s put an end to it, shall we?

I have to really trust somebody to be in a relationship. I probably need at least a year to get to know them. That’s my boundary. Yeah, that’s a long time. But it takes me just as long at a new job.
I’m Not Sure If I Should Be Bringing This Up, But This Has More To Do With The Current Situation In Iran

4/10/2026

I don’t understand why President Trump keeps stalling on putting an end to Iran, once and for all. I know a lot of Americans are not happy about the war, but I just watched a TickTock video that really alarmed me. I’m following her on there now, because what she says is the truth and reality over there. And it breaks my heart.

Yeah, I know you can’t believe everything you see on social media, but it was definitely a real Iranian woman, telling everybody (that’s against the war) to just keep their noses out of it. I won’t say what she said word for word (one reason is I can’t verbatim), but she was telling people on TickTock to “shut the f up”. Nobody understands the terror over there. The Iranian citizens WANT this war. They PRAYED for this war, and ASKED for this war. And she is prepared to die for it. She spoke about their suffering and the fear they’ve been living in. The video really made me shudder.

I think the reason Trump is procrastinating is because I feel he truly does not want people dying or getting hurt, both our military and the Iranian citizens.

But that’s just how I feel. And I’m certainly not a political expert by any means. But I feel like Iran is just stalling Trump over and over in order to get more weaponry to continue to fight. Or something shady anyway.

What the regime believes is just insane. I’m sure I don’t have to repeat it.

But I don’t see this problem ever being resolved, unless there is a new regime. Or unless Iran is completely destroyed.

If you are a believer in God and Jesus Christ please pray for the Iranian citizens, as well as our military and president Trump. This is a tough decision for him.
Yeah, He Turned Out To Be My Now Ex Husband

4/10/2026

Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.

I met him at AA. He was my first husband (I’ve been married and divorced twice). That seems such a long time ago. Realistically, I had concerns about the difference in age. But he chased me down one night after the meeting, wondering if I’d like to go out for dinner sometime. I thought he was very well mannered. And polite and cute. Out of curiosity I said “yes”. I wanted to get to know him better outside of AA.

I know in AA they do not suggest dating the first year of sobriety. Why?? You may ask? Because “they” consider the first year to be fragile during recovery. And knowing what I know now, I should have listened.

I’m not saying he was a bad guy. He was very good to both me and my daughter. And that was like gold to me.

I guess I could say I married him for the stability. It didn’t matter that there was a ten (10) year age difference. He treated me well. As well as my daughter.

If there was any mistreatment, it was myself toward him. But that’s another story.

It was me that just left one day, and didn’t come back. My daughter was in college at the time. I suppose I was going through Empty Nest Syndrome. I ran into an old friend from back in the day. She invited to come over and see the new house her and her husband had built.

‘I have the time to’, I thought to myself, So, I followed her to her house. We talked awhile to catch up. Then she brought up the bar. I had been sober…I think four (4) years at that time. But I said sure.. Things went downhill rather quickly after that, I ended up getting a DWI with her. And my husband was the one who had to come and pick me up. That evening he told me I had a choice. It was either him or the alcohol.

Long story short, I picked the alcohol and moved out and right into another pile of trouble. I moved in with that friend and her husband.

I suspected she may had been gay and just married her husband to try to deny her authentic self.

Turns out I was right. I lived with her and her husband for three months. I slept with them. And the three of us messed around together. This whole time I was drinking pretty heavily. Which made me very vulnerable, gullible, and naive. so, I was just trying an experiment. To me it meant nothing more. But to her it meant everything.

Since then she divorced her husband and expected me to fire my man as well. I wouldn’t do that so I chose not to associate with her anymore.

The disassociation didn’t last long. My second husband at that time was very frustrated with the decisions I was making. But it was no longer his business.

I caught up with my friend and her husband right after church the next morning. They followed me to my house and loaded what they could. I was leaving. No explanation.

And I’ll end this right here.

At some point I would love to talk zodiacs.
8 Months in Chemical Dependency Treatment

4/10/2026

Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

Yes, I spent eight (8) months in chemical dependency treatment. It was only supposed to be thirty (30) days, but I kept running from treatment center to treatment center, my anxiety was so bad. I would make it about two (2) weeks, then bale. Off to a different treatment center. It was important that I graduated one, because I was in trouble with the law. And although I voluntarily put myself into treatment, it was important to graduate one as it became part of my sentence.

Methamphetamine is a real bitch to let go of. Just the anxiety alone when you quit is very debilitating. At least it was for me. I think this is the same for other people as well, that’s why people don’t quit. But back in those days I was bound and determined to quit. I wanted to prove to people that all these “delusions” they claimed I was having WAS NOT the result of a drug psychosis, but was actually real.

Funny how those delusions went away after I cleaned myself up.

This recent relapse I had back in early April reminded me exactly why I needed to stay away from that stuff. It interfered with my medication and I became very paranoid right away. So bad I had a panic attack. Prior to that relapse I had six (6) years clean time. Now I’m back again, starting over and struggling with this increased anxiety. I’m just wondering how long it’s going to last; this increased anxiety that is. I sure hope not as long as the first time. I think that went on for a whole year.

I do still have quite a bit of anxiety today, but I’ve taken my prn medications just so I can make it through work. I’m telling you, my prn’s have made me very tired. And I don’t think I have time for a nap.

Or, maybe I do 🤔.