The Wiccan Christian

Hope, Healing and Happiness in Trauma Recovery

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Welcome to The Wiccan Christian. I’m sure many people wonder, “What exactly does that mean?” The truth is, I’m not sure there’s an official definition. If there is, I suppose that’s what I am. Hi, my name is Cindy. I created this blog to be something like a diary—a place to share my thoughts, favorite quotes, Bible verses, spiritual reflections, and the little things I’ve learned along the way. Some of these ideas are my own. Others have come from people whose words stayed with me long after I heard them. Together, they’ve helped shape the person I am today. I won’t promise that this blog will be perfectly organized because, quite honestly, I’m not an organized person. What I can promise is honesty. My hope is that by sharing my experiences, someone else might feel understood. Maybe you’ll see a piece of your own story in mine. I believe that sharing our stories takes away fear, replaces judgment with understanding, and reminds us that none of us are truly alone. I’ve lived through some incredibly beautiful moments, and I’ve also experienced some of life’s deepest wounds. Those experiences have left scars that may never completely disappear, but they have also shaped my strength, my faith, and my compassion for others. I don’t define myself by what I’ve been through. I define myself by the fact that I’m still here, still growing, still learning, and still believing there is hope. I’m a survivor. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you’ll stay awhile, and I hope something you read here brings you comfort, encouragement, or simply reminds you that someone else understands. Welcome.
  • Self-Care Is An Important Part Of Everyday Living For Me

    Self-Care Is An Important Part Of Everyday Living For Me

    How do you make time for self-care?

    It’s not always easy to take time for self care. But it is as vital as breathing, in my opinion.

    Self-care, for me, is about slowing down, It probably took a year of diligent persistence. But once I got the habit down it has become a way of life for me. The last treatment center I was at got me started. Mediation and yoga. I grew to like both. I kept up with the yoga until about a year ago. Maybe more like three years ago 🤔 But my meditation time is really important to me.

    I know everybody spends their self-care time differently. My self care consists of a lot of meditation music. I really don’t watch much TV anymore, so my TV is pretty much for mediation purposes only. Unless I get company.

    I know people may think it’s a hard habit to keep up on a daily basis. I guess I’ve isolated myself for such a long time that meditation is all I know as a coping skill now. So my TV stays on meditation most of the time.

    I normally burn a candle and some incense. I prefer incense cones over the sticks. You can get a big box of twenty little boxes that carry ten cones in each box at Amazon for a lot cheaper than the $4.99 for just one box of ten cones at any of the local shops.

    My fav’s are Dragons blood, Copal, Frankincense, Lavender, White Sage, Palo Santo and a few mystery” ones.

    I set up my room prior to my meditation time with music, candles and incense. Sometimes I’ll smudge the doorway and myself with lavender sage. I’ll play one or two of my “instruments” for more area cleansing.

    Not to change the subject, but I believe I have enough “instruments” to do a sound bath for someone. That’s something I’ve been really interested in pursuing. I’ve watched some on YouTube. I think I’ve got six or seven sound makers: 🤔 a keyboard, large singing bowl, small singing bowl, small wind chimes (like tiny), drum and tuning forks.

    Back to self-care: During my self-care time I read a chapter out of the Bible most mornings. Right now I’m somewhere in the book of Romans.

    And Yes, call me what you want, but after reading some of the Lords words I prepare for a tarot card reading. And I do invite them into the readings. Who’s who you wonder??

    Jesus and the Holy Spirit, as well as my angels, guides and ancestors.

    I don’t read cards like most people do (I don’t think 🤔). I mainly use the cards to see how I’m feeling regarding any particular situation. I use them more for reflecting. They help me process my thoughts after a draining day. A lot of times I just ask if there’s anything I need to know that I can share with other people.

    I’m by far a pro or guru at anything. I just go with my instincts.

    I have this cute little jar that a friend of mine gave to me. It has sayings or bible verses or quotes in it. You pick the color paper that your mood most matches.

    Read Me When Jar – Thanks Cae

    I keep this at my bedside. It’s the first thing I do. This morning I pulled a pink card. I read it then placed it on my alter until tomorrow morning.

    Lastly, sometimes my self care consists of a salt bath with a book lamp for light, a candle and an incense STICK. Cones give out more smoke than sticks do. My bathroom is too small for a cone. I’d smoke myself out. I usually bring my Bluetooth speaker in the bathroom with me as well. Sometimes I listen to country music and sometimes I just listen to podcasts (or tarot readings 😏). I don’t take any of that stuff like I used to. The first time these YouTuber’s started talking to/about me behind my back, at that time I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing. I couldn’t believe they were actually talking directly to me. They were harassing me and bullying me, trying to get me to submit and get back together with “that man”. They were really really mean.

    I have a mental health disability. I actually have a few mental health disabilities. What absolutely blows my mind about that whole situation back in 2018-2020, That he could look me in the face and lie so well. He could pretend to be “so concerned”. There were plenty of times when he would ask me, “Are you thinking about killing yourself? I sure hope not Cindy. That would really break my heart”. He knew those tarot readers were telling me to just end my life, and he played along with with this “innocent” facade. And for what? A joke. I’m sorry I don’t associate with wicked people. I’ll keep praying for him, but I now know he is a …….. I don’t know if I should even say it. A narcissist and a sociopath.

    And he thought I was the one that was nuts. Well, it’s only a matter of time and he’s going to receive his karma for the pain I was caused. I may not see it in my lifetime, but God has given me his promises: He got me out of that situation right on the nick of time. He knew I didn’t and don’t belong there. He has other assignments for me he said.

    I do feel I’ve finally been able to move past the manipulation and forms of abuse. Emotionally, mentally and tragically. it took many years, like eight years to be at peace with myself. And no, that does not include peace with him. And it seems he’s trying to push my buttons again, because my two phones, my iPad and my Wi-Fi is constantly showing somebody hooked into my internet and it’s not me.

    It seems there is normally six or seven devices connected to my internet, and they’re not all mine. So, if they pester me too much I just bump them off the internet then change my Wi-Fi password to a really long damn ass password. And if wants to spend his time keeping an eye on me, what for? I am clueless. He no longer likes me, as a matter fact hates me, for catching him in a lie. And the funny part about it was, if I remember correctly I texted him a couple of times through the day. I also called him. I left messages, They weren’t mean or like I was pissed or anything, because he wasn’t answering me. But I now believe the “other” story he always prided himself on, “My dad cheated on my mom all the time, and I hated how he hurt her so much. I told myself I would never, ever cheat on a person, and I never have”.. Little does he know I know his little dirty disgusting secrets and ways.

    So to sum this long-ass story up, after knowing him since November 2017, I realize I really do NOT know him, and I never did. Everything he said to me was a lie, just to get sex from me. Whenever we parted after an encounter he always went MIA on me. With some really messed up excuses.

    June 13, 2026 I Finally caught him in a lie. I knew he was a pathological liar, because nothing he said ever added up. But finally, one day when my text messages and phone calls caught him off guard I guard I guess. He didn’t return my call or texts until 11:30pm when he decided to return my messages and phone call. It was so late I was tired and the VM pick it up. To my surprise he did leave a message.

    “Hey, Cindy, it’s “Joe”. I just found my phone. I know you’re probably already sleeping, but I thought I’d call while I’m out walking the dog, Call me if you get this in the next half hour.

    Nope, I went to bed.

    So, in conclusion I don’t see him or I connecting any time too soon. Probably never again. And I am secretly grateful. Him walking away first made my own choices I had to make so much easier. I did feel a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to have to make a choice between him and my family. They all very much we despised him. Not just for the things he put me through, but that he had gained access to all of my contacts on my phones.

    Okay, the end

    (To be continued)

  • You Know….

    You Know….

    I’ve been trying to over come the nightmares. They still happen. Some nights stronger than others.

    I’m having a hard time figuring out how to get my website to GoDaddy. I admit, I’m an idiot when I comes to electronics.

    But you know, I’m starting to understand that perhaps I am being followed. As in “ stalked”. By somebody who hates himself. I do have empathy for your feelings. But I’m not the answer to the problem. You just gotta go through it. YES IT HURTS. And possibly for a long time. But if you don’t change those old beliefs and patterns….. I don’t think you want to be alone…. I mean, alone.

    I took five (5) years. Yeah, that’s a long time in isolation. But that’s how long it took me to learn to love myself first. And if you don’t love yourself first, you are incapable of love. Period.

  • As Long As This Is On My Mind, I Would Like To Show You What I’ve Been Using Today During My Meditations

    Family prayer
    Several People Prayers
    Peace fir my friends and peace for myself
    Peace for the world and peace for my enemies

    I am not a guru when it comes to this. I do what I feel drawn to do.

    When I am drawn to do something I work hard and It becomes an obsession. Like, ….well, I like writing. But a lot of people say I should be keeping these kinds of things I do- these DIY altars. ….to myself. I never thought of that 🤔 If something helps me I’m not selfish about it. I will gladly pass it on…..Unless I get a larger crowd than I had anticipated (logics).

    If you’re curious as to what’s on each alter I can do one alter a day. So we should see 5 alters in five days.

    Good okay. Time to sleep.

    Oh….

    Drum above alter, 7 Chakra above alter, Butterfly pictured above alter
  • There Is A lot Of Things I’ve Learned So Far In This Life. And It Never Ceases To Amaze me.

    There Is A lot Of Things I’ve Learned So Far In This Life. And It Never Ceases To Amaze me.

    I’m having a hard time dealing with this fear I have. If I can just stop and ground myself for a minute or two, or 30. Or all day.

    Well, I’m back.

    You know, the last time this happened. 6-8 years ago, the only outcomes that ever came true in those tarot readings were the ones I put myself into. Because of being dysregulated, lacking in emotional maturity, poor decisions. And unfortunately, yeah, I got into some trouble with the law as well. I turned into a lunatic on that damn methamphetamine. My credibility was gone, I lost everything and everyone in my life. That’s when I first understood karma. Prior to that I was very selfish. As well as very unaware. I was blinded by the world. I was a….. never mind, I have to be mindful of things I say (good catch Cindy😂👏).

    I understand what I did to “him” was wrong. I probably should’ve just brought it up myself and asked him what was going on with us…. But when I think of it and look back, I can see where it had turned into a cycle for me. That I didn’t know how to get out of. Like the cycle I still seem to be in with a female. And there are times when I wonder if she interfered in my energy field between me and my second ex husband on purpose. It seems she interferes with everybody.

    And I wonder, is she always going to interfere? She has interfered so far. But I haven’t really been interested in any body, so that’s her hope for now, I guess.

    I still suffer from the many things, and/or the after effects regarding that relationship between “him” and I. And they did it for what? A joke. All I can say about it is those are some sick **********. Need I say more? That just does not compute to me at all. But it also shows where their emotions and empathy were. They had none.

    I need to remind myself that I am worth more than a good fair amount of people who actually really wish me unwell.

    I’m not sure what to say. I can see some possibilities. I’m still struggling with the shock that I got myself so involved with…,.

    I’ll just say I was very isolated. A lot.

    *******************

    How long did that take me?

    I’ve been having a problem with social media lately, so I’m thinking about just taking a break. I may have to just stay away for a while. Sometimes some things are just hard to hear. I do want to take a couple days to think about it.

    ******************

    Something just dawned on me 🤔. I am giving these people what they want. I need to stop this. Last time, whether they were nice or not, it stressed me out.

    Now, I’ve only been watching three different people instead of listening to a bunch of people. These three gals have been really helpful and supportive and nice. But I’m noticing an increase in my anxiety listening to them. So. I really think I need to stay out of it and away from the situation to keep myself well.

    I’ll always be curious. But sometimes being curiousness k**** the cat. So I’m going to be a little more discerning.

    I don’t want to burst anybody’s bubble, but I’m really nobody special. I just do what the Lord guides me to do from day to day. Anybody can do that. If they’re willing to give up their life to follow the Lord. He will provide for everything you need. And all you need is a seed as small as a mustard seed. Plant it. God promises it will grow. You just have to believe it in your heart, act like you’ve already got it and thank God each day for the gifts he gives you, small or large.

    This is Cindy signing out.

    Peace ☮️

  • The Longest Trip I’ve Ever Taken Was An Eight Month Trip To Substance Abuse Treatment

    The Longest Trip I’ve Ever Taken Was An Eight Month Trip To Substance Abuse Treatment

    What’s the longest trip you’ve ever taken?

    It took me eight (8) months to graduate a 30 day treatment program. I was so traumatized by all the bullying and harassment, I became just terribly hyper vigilant. I could only last two weeks at a treatment center. I’d start freaking out that people were bullying me, harassing me and threatening me. I don’t know any other way to explain it. I was living in fear for my life for eight (8) months, bouncing from center to center. I probably should say longer than eight (8) months. That constant fear never went away. Until I started PE therapy anyway. That’s probably why I’m still in therapy twice a week.

    In treatment I thought people would start to get to know me, not like me and start picking on me. So I’d beat feet before they proved me right.

    I remember someone on the TV stating that I was going to end up with brain damage. Well, that person was correct. My brain will never be the same. It’s been rewired to remain hyper vigilant. I’m hoping this PE therapy I’ve been going to will help at some point. We haven’t been doing much of the actual work, because my regular therapist has been out due to a car accident. So while she is out, my PE therapist and I are just doing check ins.

    I’m not sure if people realize this or not, but stress causes people with mental health issues to decompensate. Rapidly. Which I’m sure everyone on WordPress is smart enough to know that. I don’t believe I need to spell it out to anybody.

    But, I do pray to MY God, just like Jesus prayed, “God forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

    I know these people think I’m some kind of moron. I also know they’ve made some pretty poor attempts at getting me to leave WordPress. Well, I shouldn’t say “poor”. I guess I’m just saying I don’t care about it anymore.

    I wasn’t going to leave WordPress. But for the sake of all involved, I will. It just might take me some time to figure out what I’m doing. I was pretty tech savvy in my younger years, but now, at 56 years old, I feel like everything is pointless and difficult. Continuing the charade I mean. And if y’all claim you can’t read between the lines in my post, that’s okay. I honestly don’t mind pretending I’m just talking to myself.

    I’ve always been “that person”. The one that people despise. Started as a child. Ending as an adult. I know why and what it means. So it is interesting to see just HOW important I am. 🤔 Seems to me I remember journaling these exact words, like years ago. In saying it again, it feels like Dejavue. But maybe this time the ending will be different.

    I’m sorry that “Joe” feels hurt over what I did to him. But he should have clarified what kind of “relationship” we were in. I thought we were just drug/f*** buddies. We rarely went out together. The handful of times we did, though, i thoroughly enjoyed it. His company that is.

    But I assumed since getting ahold of him was always so sketchy, he was out messing around with somebody else. Because that’s how that drug makes a person behave. And I know it wasn’t just me. I’ve had male friends come over high on that stuff. Looking for something from me, I’d turn them down, so they’d sit on my couch with their pants down beating their…..drum to porn videos on their phone.

    I’m sorry, I tell it like it was. Two years on that drug gave me enough experiences,…. And the end result, well, I’m back on my feet again and that’s what counts. I just wish my brain would follow.

    But, that’s the price I paid “for love”.

    I don’t really feel like I have any feelings about anything anymore. I’m totally analytical with no emotion.

    It is quite embarrassing trying to tell somebody something and if there’s even a slight distraction, I totally forget what I was just talking about. Or having to have people repeat what they said to me because I don’t remember. And visa versa, I can’t remember what I was talking about or going to say.

    See, I just did it again 😲

    Trauma fog 🤬

  • GRU From Despicable Me

    GRU From Despicable Me

    Who is your favorite cartoon character?

    I just plain love all the characters in that movie and I’ve seen all four movies.

    Let’s see, my favorite part of the first one is in the very beginning. When he freezes everyone in the coffee shop so he could get ahead of the line and take somebody’s coffee. And when he pops that boys animal balloon after making it for him.

    Second movie he plays a fairy princess for the youngest girls birthday party. I also like how he hooks up with that woman investigator and they get married.

    Third movie (🍿I 🤔) the chicken made me laugh 😆

    Fourth movie is a flashback of Gru when he was just a lad in school wanting to be hired from the villain squad. They told him to get lost, so he goes back into the interview room and steals a golden necklace.

    Anybody interested in talking about Guardians of the Galaxy?? Not a cartoon, technically, but to me, close enough. I absolutely love all those characters in each movie.

  • Oh Past Nightmares of Drug and in Love…

    Oh Past Nightmares of Drug and in Love…

    Compliments of WordPress

    Life Lessons: Turning Heartache into Change

    I used to think that after every difficult chapter, I had finally reached the end of my life lessons. But I’m beginning to understand that they never really end—at least not while we’re still alive. This post is one I actually started six years ago but never finished. I was such a wreck back then. All done in the hands of “that man”.

    I’m sure the extra curricular habit he started me on back then certainly didn’t help either.

    Somehow, while I was looking for something else today, this “prize”found its way back to me. And I realized it was something I should have finished and shared long ago, because it speaks to the power of words and the lasting effects of impulsiveness. This is about how my negativity affected my spouse’s spirit. As a result, he changed. And when he changed, we ended.

    It has taken me 56 years to realize that you can’t always just say you’re sorry and expect everything to magically be okay. Hurt feelings do not always disappear simply because an apology is offered. There are times when, no matter what you do or how hard you try, you cannot take the words back. And eventually, the person being wounded by those words may need to walk away—for their own mental health, dignity, self-love, and self-respect.

    Even though I started this post years ago, I don’t fully understand why it took until today for me to finally realize, “Man, he’s really not coming back.” Maybe it should have been obvious. After all, I am still affected by words that were said to me fifty-six years ago. Now I know I will carry the weight of my last words to him too, because I never got closure. Whenever I think of him, I will remember what I said before he disappeared from my life.

    I want to share this today for anyone who still has time to change before it is too late. Believe me, the last memory you don’t want to carry of someone you love is the memory of words you should not have said—or words you said in a way you can never undo.

    The truth is, even if he did come back right now, I don’t think it would be the right time. I don’t know when the right time would be. I am healing from several things all at once, and I don’t know when that process will end. I do know that, as long as I am still healing, I still carry the risk of becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse. I have gotten better, but I still seem to project during moments of self-loathing, or maybe self-pity. I am also still stuck in a financial strain, which is something I promised I would help ease in our…relationship—mostly for him. He works so hard at his job, and I could see in his face how unhappy he was with it. Heck, I don’t even know if he still has the same profession. I always wanted to be able to provide more, or at least give him peace of mind in that area. But I cannot do that quite in the moment, yet. I still have my daydreams/fantasies (you know, the huge lawsuit I’m going to settle on with Apple, Google, etc), but I still have not found my place in this world. I am also still bitter, to some extent, toward at least one person for doing to me what he did to me FOR OVER A YEAR. In many ways, I am still grieving. The loss of who I once was, who I lost, because of “that dickhead”, and now I can’t be with “the dickhead” either because he’s got some very very serious issues. The whole time we spent together was a mirage. I have absolutely no trust in him. I never knew from day to day what kind of lies he was going to tell me. And I just had to listen with a smile on my face, knowing he’s lying the whole time. Because he can’t handle confrontation. And will just continue to lie to cover up his other lie. And if he’s caught red handed he just says, “Whatever”, “Don’t contact me anymore”. That’s why all his bad deeds are done over the internet. It’s so easy to hide behind a screen.

    I’m not sure how I ended up writing about love. I feel awkward with it—almost at a loss for words. You see, I had never been the one left behind before. At least not until now. I had never experienced this side of things. In most of my relationships, I stayed until there was almost nothing left to stay for. Admitting how much I contributed to this ending takes a lot from my pride. At least, that is how it feels right now. I keep thinking, “What if?” and “I should have done this differently.” I know this ending is partly my fault. Maybe more than partly. I would accept 60–70%, even though some people might argue that blame should be split 50–50. But I recognize a pattern in myself. After a while, I would get triggered by things my partners did because they would remind me of past pain. Instead of communicating what was happening inside me, I would begin to pull away. Those triggers would distort my perception, and I would start seeing things that may not have been accurate. I began to see him differently—more like my dad than my partner. And once my perception shifted, my self-esteem disappeared. Some people might blame him for that, but I do not. If my self-esteem had been stronger, I might not have been so over-analytical or assumed he was being overly critical, demanding, or judgmental. And if my self-esteem had been where it needed to be, I would not have tolerated mistreatment if that is what was happening. Along with everything else, I was also carrying a lot of codependency.

    I don’t want to dwell forever on something I cannot change. All I can do now is continue to work on being a better person, rise up out of the ashes and move forward, even though this has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. And the pain has lasted so long. Almost every song I hear reminds me of him. But I have also realized that I never really knew him the way I wanted to. We did not talk much—or maybe he did not. I tried, but I could never seem to get it right.

    It doesn’t even really matter in the big vast world of life. There is no book on being “the perfect spouse”, “the perfect girlfriend”, “the perfect daughter”, “mother”, “sister”, etc. There’s just no “How to’s”…..

    Maybe I should be looking for a book on dummies? 😂🥱 You know, “Parenting for Dummies”, “Relationships for Dummies” ( well, actually they do! “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, “The Five Love Languages”).

    “THE BIBLE”. The New Testament gives perfect instructions, if people would understand and do what the Lord says is best. And the part about “Wives obey your husbands and husbands love your wives”. It’s not hard to obey your husband if you’re getting your cup filled by him as well. That makes it mutual respect and appreciation toward each other.

    Okay, my overthinking has come to an end, at 4:46am 😳) Back to snoozing a couple more hours 🥱🛏️💙.

  • Everything

    Everything

    What’s something you do completely differently from how you were raised?

    I grew up in a very violent home. That’s probably why I don’t recognize when I’m being abused. Now that I understand narcissistic behavior a little better I strongly suspect both of my parents have and had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

    My father passed away in 2009. But my mother is still alive. Her and I do not have a relationship. She avoids me like the plague, and kisses my younger sister’s a**.

    I have five siblings. I’ve always been the odd ball out. The one that got picked on, at my mother’s instigation. She instigated the horrible physical abuse I received from my father as well. Not every time, but often enough.

    I was raised in total dysfunction. When I was old enough to move out of the house (I was actually kicked out of the house, to be completely honest) I made a promise to myself that I would never stoop to my parents level. And I didn’t , or haven’t.

    However, after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 25, I shrunk to the words of my mother, “You are no good for nothing”, “No man is ever going to want you”, “You’re nothing but a jezebel”. I could go on and on about the words she put on me. Like a curse, I feel her words put a curse on me. And they’re slowly breaking.

    I believe my past has only made me stronger. I am not the victim people want me to be. I used to feel sorry for myself, but not anymore. I’ve taken my life back, and I don’t regret the things I’ve been through. It’s made me who I am today. It’s also given me gifts I didn’t know I had. Especially my ability to read people. And I am learning that if it feels “off”, don’t question it. Just walk away.

  • Well, I Don’t Know If I Should Answer That 😂

    Well, I Don’t Know If I Should Answer That 😂

    If the salary was the same, what job would you be doing right now and why?

    Seriously, growing up I always, always wanted to be a psychologist, or therapist or counselor. I wanted to open eyes.

    When I turned about 🤔 40 years old, I realized people really do not want to know the truth. So I just became an observer.

    And I changed my major to forensics science.

    Jk 😂 I took a few psychology courses. I never graduated because I feel real life experience outweighs a certificate. And I feel I’ve got plenty of that. 😁

    Plus I didn’t want to take the boring classes 😂.

  • Hey! I Found That Tat Pic That ChatGPT Put Together For Me! Take a Look Y’all

    Hey! I Found That Tat Pic That ChatGPT Put Together For Me! Take a Look Y’all

    Artist: ChatGPT

    I told you in my last post that I would try to find that tattoo pic ChatGPT Made for me. Well, here it is.

    I absolutely love this tattoo. But I want to let you all know that I will understand if you steal my idea 😂. Because I know it’s so great 😂.