The Wiccan Christian

It took me eight (8) months to graduate a 30 day treatment program. I was so traumatized by all the bullying and harassment, I became just terribly hyper vigilant. I could only last two weeks at a treatment center. I’d start freaking out that people were bullying me, harassing me and threatening me. I don’t know any other way to explain it. I was living in fear for my life for eight (8) months, bouncing from center to center. I probably should say longer than eight (8) months. That constant fear never went away. Until I started PE therapy anyway. That’s probably why I’m still in therapy twice a week.

In treatment I thought people would start to get to know me, not like me and start picking on me. So I’d beat feet before they proved me right.

I remember someone on the TV stating that I was going to end up with brain damage. Well, that person was correct. My brain will never be the same. It’s been rewired to remain hyper vigilant. I’m hoping this PE therapy I’ve been going to will help at some point. We haven’t been doing much of the actual work, because my regular therapist has been out due to a car accident. So while she is out, my PE therapist and I are just doing check ins.

I’m not sure if people realize this or not, but stress causes people with mental health issues to decompensate. Rapidly. Which I’m sure everyone on WordPress is smart enough to know that. I don’t believe I need to spell it out to anybody.

But, I do pray to MY God, just like Jesus prayed, “God forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

I know these people think I’m some kind of moron. I also know they’ve made some pretty poor attempts at getting me to leave WordPress. Well, I shouldn’t say “poor”. I guess I’m just saying I don’t care about it anymore.

I wasn’t going to leave WordPress. But for the sake of all involved, I will. It just might take me some time to figure out what I’m doing. I was pretty tech savvy in my younger years, but now, at 56 years old, I feel like everything is pointless and difficult. Continuing the charade I mean. And if y’all claim you can’t read between the lines in my post, that’s okay. I honestly don’t mind pretending I’m just talking to myself.

I’ve always been “that person”. The one that people despise. Started as a child. Ending as an adult. I know why and what it means. So it is interesting to see just HOW important I am. 🤔 Seems to me I remember journaling these exact words, like years ago. In saying it again, it feels like Dejavue. But maybe this time the ending will be different.

I’m sorry that “Joe” feels hurt over what I did to him. But he should have clarified what kind of “relationship” we were in. I thought we were just drug/f*** buddies. We rarely went out together. The handful of times we did, though, i thoroughly enjoyed it. His company that is.

But I assumed since getting ahold of him was always so sketchy, he was out messing around with somebody else. Because that’s how that drug makes a person behave. And I know it wasn’t just me. I’ve had male friends come over high on that stuff. Looking for something from me, I’d turn them down, so they’d sit on my couch with their pants down beating their…..drum to porn videos on their phone.

I’m sorry, I tell it like it was. Two years on that drug gave me enough experiences,…. And the end result, well, I’m back on my feet again and that’s what counts. I just wish my brain would follow.

But, that’s the price I paid “for love”.

I don’t really feel like I have any feelings about anything anymore. I’m totally analytical with no emotion.

It is quite embarrassing trying to tell somebody something and if there’s even a slight distraction, I totally forget what I was just talking about. Or having to have people repeat what they said to me because I don’t remember. And visa versa, I can’t remember what I was talking about or going to say.

See, I just did it again 😲

Trauma fog 🤬