Life Lessons: Turning Heartache into Change

I used to think that after every difficult chapter, I had finally reached the end of my life lessons. But I’m beginning to understand that they never really end—at least not while we’re still alive. This post is one I actually started six years ago but never finished. I was such a wreck back then. All done in the hands of “that man”.

I’m sure the extra curricular habit he started me on back then certainly didn’t help either.

Somehow, while I was looking for something else today, this “prize”found its way back to me. And I realized it was something I should have finished and shared long ago, because it speaks to the power of words and the lasting effects of impulsiveness. This is about how my negativity affected my spouse’s spirit. As a result, he changed. And when he changed, we ended.

It has taken me 56 years to realize that you can’t always just say you’re sorry and expect everything to magically be okay. Hurt feelings do not always disappear simply because an apology is offered. There are times when, no matter what you do or how hard you try, you cannot take the words back. And eventually, the person being wounded by those words may need to walk away—for their own mental health, dignity, self-love, and self-respect.

Even though I started this post years ago, I don’t fully understand why it took until today for me to finally realize, “Man, he’s really not coming back.” Maybe it should have been obvious. After all, I am still affected by words that were said to me fifty-six years ago. Now I know I will carry the weight of my last words to him too, because I never got closure. Whenever I think of him, I will remember what I said before he disappeared from my life.

I want to share this today for anyone who still has time to change before it is too late. Believe me, the last memory you don’t want to carry of someone you love is the memory of words you should not have said—or words you said in a way you can never undo.

The truth is, even if he did come back right now, I don’t think it would be the right time. I don’t know when the right time would be. I am healing from several things all at once, and I don’t know when that process will end. I do know that, as long as I am still healing, I still carry the risk of becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse. I have gotten better, but I still seem to project during moments of self-loathing, or maybe self-pity. I am also still stuck in a financial strain, which is something I promised I would help ease in our…relationship—mostly for him. He works so hard at his job, and I could see in his face how unhappy he was with it. Heck, I don’t even know if he still has the same profession. I always wanted to be able to provide more, or at least give him peace of mind in that area. But I cannot do that quite in the moment, yet. I still have my daydreams/fantasies (you know, the huge lawsuit I’m going to settle on with Apple, Google, etc), but I still have not found my place in this world. I am also still bitter, to some extent, toward at least one person for doing to me what he did to me FOR OVER A YEAR. In many ways, I am still grieving. The loss of who I once was, who I lost, because of “that dickhead”, and now I can’t be with “the dickhead” either because he’s got some very very serious issues. The whole time we spent together was a mirage. I have absolutely no trust in him. I never knew from day to day what kind of lies he was going to tell me. And I just had to listen with a smile on my face, knowing he’s lying the whole time. Because he can’t handle confrontation. And will just continue to lie to cover up his other lie. And if he’s caught red handed he just says, “Whatever”, “Don’t contact me anymore”. That’s why all his bad deeds are done over the internet. It’s so easy to hide behind a screen.

I’m not sure how I ended up writing about love. I feel awkward with it—almost at a loss for words. You see, I had never been the one left behind before. At least not until now. I had never experienced this side of things. In most of my relationships, I stayed until there was almost nothing left to stay for. Admitting how much I contributed to this ending takes a lot from my pride. At least, that is how it feels right now. I keep thinking, “What if?” and “I should have done this differently.” I know this ending is partly my fault. Maybe more than partly. I would accept 60–70%, even though some people might argue that blame should be split 50–50. But I recognize a pattern in myself. After a while, I would get triggered by things my partners did because they would remind me of past pain. Instead of communicating what was happening inside me, I would begin to pull away. Those triggers would distort my perception, and I would start seeing things that may not have been accurate. I began to see him differently—more like my dad than my partner. And once my perception shifted, my self-esteem disappeared. Some people might blame him for that, but I do not. If my self-esteem had been stronger, I might not have been so over-analytical or assumed he was being overly critical, demanding, or judgmental. And if my self-esteem had been where it needed to be, I would not have tolerated mistreatment if that is what was happening. Along with everything else, I was also carrying a lot of codependency.

I don’t want to dwell forever on something I cannot change. All I can do now is continue to work on being a better person, rise up out of the ashes and move forward, even though this has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. And the pain has lasted so long. Almost every song I hear reminds me of him. But I have also realized that I never really knew him the way I wanted to. We did not talk much—or maybe he did not. I tried, but I could never seem to get it right.

It doesn’t even really matter in the big vast world of life. There is no book on being “the perfect spouse”, “the perfect girlfriend”, “the perfect daughter”, “mother”, “sister”, etc. There’s just no “How to’s”…..

Maybe I should be looking for a book on dummies? 😂🥱 You know, “Parenting for Dummies”, “Relationships for Dummies” ( well, actually they do! “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, “The Five Love Languages”).

“THE BIBLE”. The New Testament gives perfect instructions, if people would understand and do what the Lord says is best. And the part about “Wives obey your husbands and husbands love your wives”. It’s not hard to obey your husband if you’re getting your cup filled by him as well. That makes it mutual respect and appreciation toward each other.

Okay, my overthinking has come to an end, at 4:46am 😳) Back to snoozing a couple more hours 🥱🛏️💙.